LAUGH QUOTE
“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.”– Andy Borowitz
WISE GUYS ANSWER TO STUPID QUESTION
QUESTION: What are you doing about your weight?
WISE GUY: Moving it through space with grace, power, and joy
CORNY CHAT UP LINE
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
BUSINESS JOKE
Get connected before you connect.
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
CUTTING COMMENT
“Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.” – Samuel Butler
MARRIED LIFE
“Oh that’s nice, that’s real nice.”
One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin’ on the front porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says “Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn’t it nice?”
To which the other woman replies, “Oh that’s nice, that’s real nice.” The first woman then says, “And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises.”
The second woman again replies, “Oh that’s nice, that’s real nice.” “Well sweetheart doesn’t your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?”
“Oh”, the second woman responds, “When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school.”
“Why’d he do that?” the first woman asks.
To which the second fine southern woman replies, “Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewelry their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don’t give a fuck, but now I say that’s nice, that’s real nice.”
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