In this two-part series, Pride Nigeria’s publisher Charles Anyiam-Osigwe examines the things which can strengthen the bonds of marriage.
I have always been fascinated with Mammy Wagon philosophers and their sayings on the back of lorries. Words of wisdom on marriage from the Mammy Wagon philosopher: TO STAY MARRIED AND HAPPY IS WORK O!’ When I saw this, I could not help but agree with what was so aptly and humorously stated. And as we mark Valentine’s Day, I want to reflect on what sort of “work” it takes to strengthen marital bonds.
We have heard this said quite often that “the only constant in life is change”. This adage is also very true about all marriages because marriage is an ever changing, ever evolving relationship that needs partners to be focused and vigilant to work at keeping the relationship happy, loving and fulfilling for both parties to ensure its longevity.
What do we need to work on to ensure that our marriage stays fulfilling, happy and long-lasting?
Are you honest with each other?
It may surprise you to note that quite a number of married couples are not honest and open with one another. They speak in coded terms when communicating so as to make their partner interpret what is being said. Couples have been known to live a life of lies, deceit and pretence for many years without the other partner being the wiser. The big question is – Who is fooling who? Why live a life of lies? Love is honest, brutally honest. A relationship must be built on the foundation of honesty and truth which breeds trust and mutual respect. Respecting your partner is also critical. Communicate respectfully and openly with your spouse. Without respect, love can’t last. Be honest, no matter what.
Do you communicate?
If you pause to reflect, even with friends, we are always talking with them but have we taken the time to know if we are really communicating. So it is in most marriages, couples talking to each other without really taking time to communicate. Are you aware that your partner may be communicating by his or her silence? Silence is often the loudest cry. Pay attention to those you care about and listen – hear and understand what they are saying whichever mode of communication they are using at any point in time.
Do you and your spouse get into arguments?
If a couple does not argue, it is a sign of that they are not free with one another. They are not communicating. One or both members of the relationship are avoiding confrontation, holding back or suppressing their feelings and not expressing them. The partners in such relationships are not at ease or comfortable in each other’s company, there is an absence of trust and an overwhelming presence of fear. This can lead to explosions of emotive anger from time to time, and this is not the best for any relationship. Couples should be able to listen and sift through the words, silence, yells and tears to understand what their partner is really trying to tell them.
Marriage is a win-win relationship. There is no need for just one partner to win an argument. The important thing is to resolve and find solutions to the problems which arise in the relationship.
Some simple communication rules:
- It’s not so much what you say that counts, it is about how you make people feel.
- Sometimes a silent hug or a peck on the cheek means a thousand words to the unhappy heart.
- Say what you mean and mean what you say.
- Don’t expect others to read your mind.
- Don’t toy with the emotions of your spouse by being economical with the truth. Half-truths are no better than lies.
- Don’t ignore your spouse when they are upset because a lack of concern hurts more than angry words.
- Honesty is always the best policy in a marital situation. Lies help no one in the long run.
- Don’t say “I love you” if you don’t mean it.
- Don’t say “I understand” if you have no clue.
- Don’t say “I’m sorry” if you’re not.
- Avoid speaking when you are very angry so as to avoid saying thingsyou will regret later.
- Have a listening ear. An argument will dissolve when the people having the argument feel heard.
- When each person feels heard, there is peace. When there is peace, there is perspective. With perspective comes an apology.
- Admit when in the wrong and apologise. Giving an apology is important, but the acceptance of the apology is more important.
- Once an apology is rendered and accepted. Let go completely and don’t go making it a reference point in future.
- If he or she doesn’t accept the apology, contempt will creep into the relationship. Once contempt is present, the relationship is over.
- Communication in marriage should always be with absence of malice.
- Continue or learn to communicate well. We all know how to be polite to our bosses at work or strangers we meet, but it is often with those we are closest to that we slip into unhealthy habits of disrespect or inattentive listening.
- Skills such as empathy, active listening and managing anger and frustration can be learned and need to be regularly applied when spouses communicate.
Are you both willing to bend towards each other and compromise?
In marriage it has to be a win-win situation or both partners end up losing.
And for a relationship to be such, both partners must live with the spirit of compromise. The truth is that a relationship is only as happy as the least happy person in it. If your partner is miserable, you will be too, and so will your relationship.
Couples should be able to tell each other when either partner is upset. That way the offending partner stands a chance of trying to fix the problem. Without this, resentment takes root and will continue to grow over time until it is addressed. Note that it is often difficult for partners to place themselves in a vulnerable position where they can voice their concerns about the person closest to them. This makes it imperative that partners make a concerted effort that there exists in their relationship an atmosphere where each can be heard and listened to without feeling defensive or attacked.
To achieve a balance, both partners much approach all issues arising in the marriage with the spirit to reach a compromise, resolve the matter and put it well and truly behind them. Harmony is a key ingredient in a happy marriage. A harmonious home has peace and joy. Harmony can only be brought about by couples who compromise in love for the sake of having a peaceful home.
The concluding part of this article will appear in the Love and Sex Column on 15th February 2018