The concluding part of the two-part series by Pride Nigeria’s publisher Charles Anyiam-Osigwe on things which can strengthen the bonds of marriage.
Do you understand one another?
Marriage is a partnership between two strangers from different backgrounds and different upbringings. We are products of the environment in which we grew up and we go into relationships with our own set of world views and values. Given that couples come from different backgrounds, it is inevitable that they will have different views, opinions and perspectives on certain issues from time to time. However, the important thing is that they have the ability to compromise by meeting each other halfway so as to live in peace and harmony.
Couples have to invest a lot of time and energy getting to understand one another and know what makes each partner tick so as to accept the differences and baggages brought into the relationship.
Never be afraid to manage your differences. This will save you the agony of trying to change your partner to conform to how you want them to be. It will also save you from being judgmental or frustrated with the way your spouse behaves. It will enable you to love them the way they are and need to be loved.
No spouse should ever change just to please the other. Change should be on the basis that it makes one a better person and leads to a better future.
Are you patient with one another?
“Patience is the best remedy for every trouble”. – Titus Maccius Plautus
“Love bears all things …” – St. Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:7
Patience in relationships means being patient and forgiving about the other person’s follies, mistakes and shortcomings. Since every one of us thinks, feels and acts differently in different circumstances, patience is required to deal with our differences and our seeming incompatibilities. We find ourselves losing our patience when we expect to get what we want and don’t, when we have to wait to get what we want or want things to be done in a certain way.
When it comes to marital relationships, patience really is a virtue – a much needed one at that. A real person is not perfect, and a perfect person is not real. No one is perfect. We are all endowed with our own set of flaws and shortcomings. Losing our patience with someone we love often leads to hurt and pain. Most of the time, we let our lack of patience get the better of us, and in the process cause so much pain and hurt to a dear one over an issue that is not worth the pain and hurt caused.
It is not right to let go, let loose and voice our frustration and vent it in our own home. It is also not right to keep quiet and boil inside. Where then is the outlet for your feelings of frustration, anger, pain and hurt? There is nothing wrong with losing your cool occasionally as long as you do go berserk. Bear in mind that speaking when you are angry will lead to your making the best speech you’ll ever regret.
Lack of patience in a relationship has a lot to do with not being at ease with each other’s faults and shortcomings. Then you take your spouse for granted and expect him or her to change to suit your needs. When difficulties arise in your relationship, discuss your problems with a lot of patience. There are a lot of people who are unable to express their true feelings for so many reasons so you need to be patient in order to get your partner to express his or her feelings.
Take time to understand each other. Be patient enough to understand what the other person wants rather than harping on about your own needs. If you both had communicated your needs and expectations clearly, and if you agreed to change and make things work, there won’t be a situation where your patience will be put to a test in the first place. Communication is key to keeping your cool and not losing patience with each other.
The fruits of patience in a relationship are harmony, love and peace.
Are you close and intimate with one another?
A healthy relationship needs a good dose of passion, affection, touch, attention, warmth, kindness, commitment, fidelity, loyalty and intimacy. Intimacy which also encompasses sex is very important in a relationship.
When couples are dating and in the early part of their marriage, the issue of intimacy is more us less a given. Come a few years down the line, the couple seems to be used to each other. The added responsibility of family and work, together with the daily grind of living means that intimacy often gets neglected to the detriment of the relationship without the couple being really aware of what has happened.
Couples should be aware and alive to the importance of maintaining intimacy in the course of their married life. The importance of actively maintaining a good emotional connection cannot be overrated. This is not the responsibility of one partner, but a requirement that both spouses maintain an interest in fostering intimacy and keeping tabs on ways the other partner wishes to feel loved and cared for (because this does vary from person to person and over time).
Sex is the highest form of the expression of intimacy because it conveys to your partner that he or she is special, desired and wanted by you. You may have read articles in magazines on how to make sure you keep the passion going in your sex life or how to ensure that you light each other’s fire. The bottom line is, if you want to keep love alive, you must work to maintain the relationship and not take each other for granted. Keep yourself fit and attractive. Do not let yourself go. Make daily efforts in the form of simple acts of intimacy that show the other person that they are needed and wanted and loved by you. This will lead to a lifetime of love.
A loving relationship stays strong and lasts when both partners commit to loving each other and take the necessary steps to express this love.