HOLY HUMOUR
Arthritis
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, clothes unkempt, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
Needless to say, the priest became uncomfortable at the smell and appearance of his seatmate.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
In his annoyed state, the priest retorted “Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”
“Well I’ll be…..” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, realizing the error of his comment, apologized.
“I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to be so rude. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
Heads or Tails
- God gives you two ends to use,
- One to sit and one to muse.
- Success depends on which you choose,
- Heads you win, tails you lose.
THE SUNDAY JOKE
GREAT VIEW FROM HERE
Jesus, hanging on the cross, spots Peter in the crowd at the bottom of the hill. “Peter,” he calls. “Peter.” Peter hears his name and replies, “I hear, Lord, I’m coming,” and starts up the hill toward the cross. A Roman guard blocks Peter’s way and says, “Stop, or I’ll cut off your arm.” But Peter says, “I must go on, my Lord is calling me,” and tries to pass the guard, who cuts off his arm with a sword.
Jesus calls again, “Peter, Peter…”, so Peter continues, bleeding and in terrible pain, up the hill toward the cross. Another guard blocks his way and says, “Stop, or I’ll cut off your other arm.” Peter ignores this, saying, “I must go on, my Lord is calling me.” As Peter tries to pass the second guard, the guard cuts off his other arm with his sword. Jesus calls again, “Peter…,” so Peter, getting weak from the pain, continues up the hill. A third guard blocks his way and says, “Stop, or I’ll cut off your leg.” Peter says to the guard, “I must go on, my Lord is calling me.” As Peter tries to continue up the hill, the guard cuts off his leg. Peter falls in a heap of pain and blood, but still manages to push and drag himself up the hill toward the cross with his one remaining leg. Jesus calls again,
“Peter… Peter…” Peter replies, “I hear, Lord, I’m coming.” Another guard steps in front of Peter and says, “Stop, or I’ll cut off your other leg.” Peter squirms top try to pass the guard, so the guard cuts off Peter’s other leg. In excruciating pain, Peter uses sheer willpower to drag his mutilated body to the base of the cross.
Panting, he raises his eyes toward Jesus and says, “I am here, Lord. I have answered your call. Jesus looks down at Peter and says, “Peter… I can see your house from here!”