HOLY HUMOUR
How many points to get into Heaven?
A man dies and goes to heaven.
St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, “Here’s how it works.
You need 100 points to make it into heaven.
You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was.
When you reach 100 points, you get in.”
“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, and loved her deep in my heart.”
“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth two points!”
“Only two points?” the man says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithes and service.”
“Terrific!” says St. Peter. “That’s certainly worth a point.”
“One point!?!! I started a soup kitchen in my city and also worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”
“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” St. Peter says.
“Two points!?!!” Exasperated, the man cries, “At this rate, the only way I’ll get into heaven is by the grace of God.”
‘Bingo! 100 points! Come on in!’
THE SUNDAY JOKE
Meeting Jonah
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.
But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.
One time she was sitting next to a man and when he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After a while he turned to her and asked, “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?”
The lady replied, “Of course I do…it is the Bible.”
He said, “Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?
She replied, “Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.
He asked, “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?”
The lady said, “Well, I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him.”
“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.
“Then you can ask him!” replied the lady.