Dear Dorothy,
My husband is a successful business man who runs his own business and travels a lot. Out of the blue, a few weeks ago, he told me that he had cheated on me twice in the past year. I really don’t know why he decided to tell me this. The truth is that I would rather he had not confessed to me.
Since he told me, my thoughts have been all over the place and my emotions the same. Did he confess to ease his conscience? We are both of the Catholic faith and do take our faith seriously. He has been asking me to forgive him and trying to be very affectionate and loving towards me. He is showering me with gifts as well. All these leave me cold because up until his confession, we were both in sync with what St. Paul says in Hebrews 13:4: “Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”
I have not been able to let him come close to me since his confession. I am so conflicted that I am seriously considering ending my marriage. Please advise.
My dear,
As far as I am concerned, a man who has cheated on his wife twice doesn’t really respect his wife or his marriage. His confession may be borne out of a desire to ease his conscience given that both of you have deep religious convictions. However, I don’t think he considered how such a confession would impact you, including destroying your trust in him.
However, if he is truly sincere, then his confession can be taken as a powerful expression of remorse on his part. What he did does not align with his conscience, and the feelings of guilt and remorse has led him to confess to you when he could have kept quiet about it. This is likely to influence his future behaviour and actions and keep him from ever straying again so as to avoid the negative feelings he is now suffering from.
Given all I have said so far, if you decide to work on your marriage, how can he guarantee that he will not stray again? Trying to rebuild trust among couples after one of them betrays the trust between them is usually a difficult task.
Confronted by this betrayal, you may have several questions going through your mind:
- Will he be able to remain faithful even while temporarily apart due to his business travels?
- Has he ended the affair or affairs?
- Why did he stray in the first place?
- Is he able to avoid future situations where he might be tempted?
- How am I going to accept and believe his promises to be of good behaviour going forward?
- How would I to be able to avoid bringing up his infidelity when we have arguments?
- How will I be able to forgive and trust that he will not stray again?
- Even though he has desecrated our marital bed, can I forgive and have him back as a lover?
Despite the betrayal, do you want your husband back in your life? Was your marriage happy and fulfilling to you before you found out about the cheating? Is what you had together worth saving, or had the love in your marriage faded before he strayed even though you were reluctant to admit it?
Under no circumstances should you give into his pleas unless you are clear that you want to give your marriage another try. I hope this helps, and whatever your decision, I wish you the best as you move forward with your life.