Dear Dorothy,
My relationship with my sister is difficult. We are at different stages in life: I’m studying, while she’s struggling to get a job. She is generally a good person; she helped me get to where I am today, but she always thinks she’s right, in arguments and stuff, even when she’s not (and our mum knows it).
I think there is unresolved jealousy, because she always says things like ‘you’re not better than me just because you go to university’, ‘stop getting too big for your boots’ etc. If I say I got a good grade on my assignment, she’ll resentfully say ‘I’m the one who got you there, remember.’ We have been clashing a lot recently (we have opposite personalities), and some of these clashes have turned into full-blown fights. Most of these fights centre around her trying to get closer than me, and getting hurt by my distance. The truth is, I find it hard to hold her in high regard, as she is quite rude. I’m not saying I’m innocent in all of this, but I never really start anything either, I only respond.
Even when we’re not fighting, I find it hard to start a conversation with her, for fear I’ll say something she won’t like. I don’t want to walk on eggshells or fight, as it’s hard for the whole family. I’m astounded at the fact that she can’t see her own mistakes, that she’s always the victim etc. Please help!
Yours Sincerely,
Amalia
Dear Amalia,
The issues you raised stand out to me in this situation. Your sister’s behaviour towards you which you attribute to unresolved jealousy. While there may be a truth in this, it may be worth taking the time to unpack this to help you understand why your sister may be feeling this way and how it impacts her actions.
From what you’ve mentioned, it seems that your sister is trying to exert control over her life by controlling others and trying to derive a sense of self-worth from the achievements of others because she’s currently not able to do that as a result of her current circumstances (e.g. telling you that you’re not better than her for going to university or that she’s the one who got you there). As the older sister, she may also be feeling a sense of shame or embarrassment that she doesn’t have her life under control and she perceives herself as “less successful” which makes her behave in this way.
As a first step, I would encourage you to practise some compassion towards your sister and her circumstances – perhaps it might be worth inviting her out for a meal and checking in with her regularly or making time in your schedule to spend time with her to make her feel less alone and loved. However, you should also not be afraid to place boundaries and call your sister out when she oversteps the line or says hurtful things.
When it comes to family relationships we have to accept that there will be ups and downs like any other relationship but we must continuously and intentionally strive to connect and improve the relationship. At the end of the day, you will lose nothing by pleasing God and striving to maintain peace.
Yours Truly,
Dorothy