“Uche please tell me why it is so easy for love to turn sour?”
“ How come most people suffer so much in silence and would rather die than speak up or even get the needed help?”
“Ada it’s because you guys just cover it up. Once you accept a first beating without reacting, it goes on unabated! It never stops”
“Best you quit before it is too late.”
As we sat talking about the rise in domestic violence, my mind wandered to an event that stirred a sad emotion in me. The cry of the abused echoing loud across our society and it seems like no one hears. Those who were told said they didn’t hear and those who heard said they were dumb so could not speak.
It was 2 am on a very chilly night and there was a heavy down pour of rain. Just as I was pulling the blanket over my head to get some warmth, my phone rings, in anger at who would be disturbing my sleep at this time of the early morning, I drew the blanket tightly over my head and ignored the call but alas it rang on and I had two options to just cut it and go on with my sleep or answer it and tell whoever it was off…either way the options would depend on who was on the other end of the phone. Very reluctantly I picked the call.
As angry as I maybe at such intrusions I still have this policy that such calls can’t be completely ignored, as it may be a matter of life and death. As I picked the call, what I heard on the other end jerked me back to reality and the sleep plus the cold disappeared. All of a sudden my body was jerking not from cold but from fear of what the news would be.
“Ada am dying ooh, am dying ooh. I am bleeding so much and no one to help me…”
“What is it? What happened? Did armed robbers attack you? Where are you? The questions streamed out from me not even given a chance to hear my caller. You can imagine I was engulfed in panic. I couldn’t think straight. I took a breath as they say, “take a deep breath it will calm your body and help you focus”
I calmed my body still with shaky hands, I asked, “What is it?”
She sobbed so hard and loud.
“What is it? What is the matter?” I asked.
“He broke a bottle on my head after flogging me severely”
A few days earlier, I had visited my dear friend and found her and her hubby nicely cuddled up not letting any opportunity to share some tender loving moments pass them not withstanding that I was sitting in the same space with them. Genuinely I was elated for them, excited at the love and warmth that they poured out into the atmosphere. I said to myself this is worth copying and hopefully will also give my hubby this kind of loving attention more often.
They nibbled at each other’s ears, whispering so sweetly that they would laugh spontaneously at nothing in particular. Love really lived there. They talked about their dreams, their love how if it was wrong they rather not be right.
Oga was so happy and would often say to his wife.” Babe, my Job is to make sure you shine and I will just be a part of your growth and success.” I thought that was the sweetest thing ever, taking the back seat so she could have the front seat. That’s what I call sacrificial love.
A few months later my friend calls me up and complains how her husband is withdrawing and often in a bad mood most of the time. The laughter and warmth all gone suddenly, the uncertainty of the marriage that was once so sweet and adorable, so real and very sad too. The seemed like two colleagues sharing a flat, all the warmth, closeness and love was gone.
I tried to do what most of us would do. I told her that marriage was not an easy relationship. That she should hang in there. “Where will you go? You want someone else to come and take your place? Be patient. It will get better with time” etc. etc.
Could there have been a better result than the battery that most times result to death?
Can close family and friends do better to recognise a cry for help?
Can we be bold to help the person in a toxic relationship take the right action before it gets out of hand? Have we not all somehow encouraged domestic violence by our hush hush response to the matter?
I have resolved to be proactive; to encourage anyone I know in a toxic relationship to cut loose before it is too late. I have resolved to speak up. Maybe, just maybe my speaking up and being supportive of a victim could save a life be it the life of a child, a wife, or a husband.
Would you resolve to do the same?
Those who are told should hear, investigate and speak out.
Those who heard should not go dumb, they should speak out and try and help.
Till I write again, I love you for reading.
Ambassador Adaobi Alex-Oni writes from Lagos.