You didn’t meet me a sister to someone or a daughter to a mum and dad!
You have always known me as your mum, so you wouldn’t know how smooth or tough it was being a child to my parents.
You came to me as a child and you relied on me to take care of you and groom you, so when I take certain decisions on your behalf because you are my child, you wonder why is am I so tough and hard on you?
It is that way because I know what the next phase would at least look like; I have been through it too.
So the urge to navigate you through it, to avoid some pitfalls is stronger than anything else.
You wonder why I won’t let you have your phone when its school time. You need to focus fully on your school work, its the foundation of who you will be in life, just like I always ask you, has anyone passed an exam by always being on the phone or watching television? No!
You must study to pass so every distraction that will hinder your passing must be done away with.
Lucky you, in my time I didn’t have a phone. Mine would be no going out to play with my friends. Believe me when I say I have been where you are now except this time am the mum.
As the talk went on, my son looked at me and said Mummy so you were also a teenager, like you know wanting to do stuff and your mum says NO all the time?
I looked at him hard, and in a soft tone I asked him a question I already knew the answer. “Do I say No all the time?”
He says, “eh not all the time but Muuh,”(as he calls me). “You say more NOs than YES. Muh do you know most times you won’t even wait for my brother and I to ask and you are already saying NO, then when eventually you hear what we want to say, you will just say, Eh you should have told me now, but how am I supposed to say that when you haven’t heard me before shouting NO!” That left me laughing so hard and also silently acknowledging that being a mum can make you so tensed up that you loose every rationalism and often you see the mistake but you are the mum so how can you be wrong when in truth you know you are.
As the talk time with my sweet baby boy ended, I sat pondering for a while how this my baby is growing into a fine young adult. With a sigh my thoughts shifted to the now, the present that is, being a mum to my teenage children. Its a whole new experience, I am always on the edge, worried about what they are engaged in, not openly letting them see am afraid if am doing the right thing when it comes to teaching them. How can I come across as weak! I am the mum after all. Are the NOS a sign of not knowing and not showing it?
There is always a constant battle of what they can do and cannot do in their lives now. The times I grew in, I wasn’t just raised by my parents, my extended family was very much involved, in fact a flogging for a bad behaviour is often not by my parents but an Aunt or Uncle who was present at that time, so discipline happen on the spot.
I had my cousins and neighborhood friends whom I shared my excitements with, whom we would go out together and supported each other not to behave badly or otherwise (depending on your crowd) at a party or some social outing. We had each other’s backs. Those days were fun and even we talked about our parents and how they would react if we don’t make it home on time, we did looking over our shoulders like they were approaching even though we were miles away from home. That happens because of the character they instilled in us, that doing wrong would attract their hand going up in a fist and landing on our heads. “Koi” was a sound you didn’t want to hear and holding back a cry that your throat hurts so hard …but look at us we turned out good mummies and daddies.
Can we say it when it comes to dealing with our own children? Anyway I acknowledge times and circumstances have changed greatly. We live in a society devoid of trust and filled with fear. So how can I trust that today, the uncle or aunty I trust to put my child right is not the one abusing or molesting that child into a deadly silence that ruins his /her life. Scary right. Well that’s the reality of today.
So today we are enclosed, separated from the rest of the family. We live in cities, behind high walled houses, the children have no interaction with other neighbourhood children because our children must not be “spoilt” or when they go out to play there are predators waiting to kidnap or harm them, we have neighbours we don’t even know and see them for the first time when the Electricity man shows up with a ladder sticking out on the polls, or the car is blocking the way, and we yell out so angrily, demanding that they move out of the way.
How then won’t our children not turn to tools that are often times so distracting? When we can no longer cope with the demand sometimes very genuine, the NOS echo more than the YES, that sometimes the children will go, mum can I… and the next thing both you and the kids chorus NO!
My Take…
Its a tough job being a parent, most times you alone know how afraid you are at failing and so you hold on to the fact that you are the parent and act the best way you understand, which often a times puts you at logger heads with your children. Well remember I said in the intro, our kids never met us as brothers/sisters to someone, a child to a dad and mum, all they have known of us as is that person who provides their needs, takes care of them physically and mentally.
Sometimes the hard decisions must be taken for the greater good and even when they want to confuse you with their emotions don’t bother. Just stay firm and know that all is done to make them good human beings.
However don’t be irrational in dealing with them, you must know when to back down and show some empathy knowing that probably you may want to allow the child a little bit of room to engage in a good way. I believe this helps boost their confidence as well.
OK folks these are my personal thoughts and some experiences. I acknowledge there are no written handbooks or manuals on how to raise children, what works for me may not work for you, but here is a universal truth. As parents we are wired to teach and direct. Choose therefore the style that works for you, so ultimately we may have raised a generation of well-behaved individuals for a great and better society for humanity.
Till I write again, I love you for reading.
Ada.
Adaobi O. Alex-Oni is an Honorary Ambassador and a recipient of the Nelson Mandela Leadership Award by the African Youth Parliament. A broadcaster and writer, she is the convener of the ROWEAD conference. A social and women’s rights activist, she is a promoter of the United Nations Sustainable Development Goals. For more information, visit her website www.rowead.org