Dear Dorothy,
I was married for many years, but although the marriage is over now, I want to tell the truth about an affair that broke up my marriage; it also produced a daughter. This took place over 25 years ago. My ex-husband does not know that he is not the father of one of the girls he calls his daughter. My ex-husband and daughter will certainly be devastated by my confession, I am just wondering if it will do more harm than good. My biggest concern is what my daughter’s reaction will be and how it will affect my relationship with her. During the divorce process, because my ex-husband was bent on hurting me, I lost custody of my 2 children; a daughter that is his biologically and the other that is not. Please advice.
DOROTHY SAYS:
My dear,
What is it that drives a woman into extra marital affairs? Whatever reasons you had would not be able to justifying the deed; you did not honour your marital vows.
There is a slogan that was used during the Biafran War. “The Truth Shall Out” I do remember it every time. Truth is wisdom.
In this your case I will advise you to be courageous enough to tell the truth no matter the cost and hurt. It is better for the people concerned to know the truth now than later. Yes, it will hurt but on the long run it will be admired that you had the courage to tell the truth and not take the lie and deceit to your death. Both your ex and the daughter would be hurt beyond words. However, I think that since he has regarded her as his daughter since she was a baby and loved her as his, I do not think that love will disappear overnight due to the present facts at hand. Your daughter however would have much to deal with including the need to find or not find out who her real father is and how she will relate to her “two daddies.”
My hope is that since she is now an adult she can reason about the current situation in a mature manner and find it in her heart to understand that the reason you kept the secret from her and everyone for so long was because you were protecting her from all the confusion and hurt that resulted in her being conceived in your secret affair.
It is better you tell the truth before it is too late. You will be doing yourself a world of good. You would eventually be at peace and stop hurting internally. Truth is your best bet. You will not regret it. Your ex-husband will respect you for being frank at last.