EGO AND RELATIONSHIPS
Some two sets of very distinct but interesting developments:
Recently Queen Elizabeth of England and her husband Prince Philip celebrated 70 years (Platinum Anniversary) of their marriage which was contracted in 1947, on Monday 20 November 2017. The Queen was coronated in 1953. Churches, Mosques, communities and societies regularly celebrate couples who mark Silver, Golden and Platinum Jubilees of their weddings!
In contrast Mrs. Maryam Sanda Bello, daughter of former Aso Savings & Loans MD Hajia Maimuna Aliyu, on Saturday 18 November 2017 allegedly stabbed her husband Bilyamin Bello, son of ex-Minister of Defense Haliru Bello to death at their home in Maitama Abuja, while he slept. They had been married for 2 years. In August 2017 an auxiliary nurse Folashade Idoko was arrested and charged for allegedly stabbing her husband to death. In December 2016 Mrs Odo living at Ikorodu, Lagos State was arrested for allegedly stabbing her husband Romanus Odo to death for failure to provide money for Christmas cooking! In February 2016 an Ibadan-based lawyer Yewande Oyediran allegedly stabbed her husband Lowo Oyediran to death. They had been married for 2 years.
Several other examples exist, including over 50 Nigerian men currently serving life sentences in the USA alone for murdering their spouses!!!
Why do some relationships last so long (example the Queen’s 7 decades and still counting) while others end so abruptly sometimes in death, maiming or spousal incarceration?
Intolerance, jealousy, lack of humility, infidelity, toxic love (aka Romeo & Juliet), lack of decency/ hygiene
Money issues and lack of care, children or lack thereof? Lack of communication
Career choices, work place/ location, failure to manage in-laws and third parties
Domestic abuse (emotional and physical)
Failure to manage finances, drunkenness, gambling
Lack of trust
What else? What are the solutions? Spirituality and ‘The God Factor.’ Love is where you find it, etc.
UNDERSTANDING THE MALE EGO
‘Ego’ means ‘I’ in Latin and refers to the self. The ego is that part of our mind acting as “mediator” between the forces and drives of our superego (our conscience and ideal selves) and our ids (the part responsible for satisfying our cravings or needs) within our environment. The ego operates in reality, in other words it is not an artificial construct. It moderates or maintains our relationship with others, reconciling the internal drives of the id and the superego with the external world.
The Male ego is therefore not just a reflection of the individual but also of social and cultural definitions of masculinity, and of how men should think or act in given circumstances.
Gender Roles are Social Constructs: Gender roles are beliefs and actions that develop within a specific cultural or geographical context and is associated with a particular biological sex (male or female). In order to understand the male ego, it is imperative to bear in mind that gender roles are born, nurtured and flourish in a specific society. Gender roles within each society shape how individuals think and act, they shape men’s expectations of themselves, and also influence men’s responses and choices.
Men are socialized into gender roles: Men’s identities are shaped by social influences. Humans are social beings. Once a male child is born, the family and society have certain expectations of that child. These are drummed into that child’s head. He wears a shirt and tie and suit, for instance, he doesn’t query why he dresses so while the girl wears skirts. He is taught to be strong, tough, macho, to defend the community, etc. He is taught not to cry as this is a sign of emotion or weakness fit only for women, etc. This is society’s vision of the male ego.
The Male ego is driven by recognition, attention and action. Men are projected in society as active beings who perform such important duties as political leaders, military men, explorers, business leaders, scientists, etc. This view sees men as driven by their strength, by their sex appeal, their charisma, and as deserving of ululation and praise by others.
However not all men feel comfortable performing the standard socially-prescribed male gender roles. For example, some men are attracted to women and enjoy pedicure and manicure and similar “girlish” pastimes.
It is therefore important to know how individual men feel about and respond to social expectations of how men ought to behave because they vary in every case.
UNDERSTANDING THE INDIVIDUAL
The Alpha Male is focused with a high sense of responsibility. He thinks on his feet. He’s strongly family-oriented. He’s the guy others look to for motivation and inspiration. He’s got charisma. He takes charge and he’s the sort of man most women want.
The Beta Male is a born follower. Shy and introverted, he often feels unsure and insecure. He’s usually risk averse and sets very low personal targets. He is easily contented. Somewhat liked by people but most tend to regard him condescendingly.
The Zeta Male by choice opts out of traditional or societal expectations that a man serves as protector, builder, provider, defender, helper and husband to women, while accepting that roles require him to be so disposed sometimes.
The Gamma Male is the archetypical ‘Mr. Invisible’ whose personality and presence tends to blend with the rest of the room and he’s just sort of there. He generally prefers to melt into the background. People tend to accept him just the way he is. Does not aspire to be anybody’s role model.
The Omega Male has swagger and confidence but he’s the type of man who deliberately shirks responsibility, refuses to grow up and generally avoids risks or tasks.
The Sigma Male is Machiavellian, highly cunning and manipulative. For him the end always must justify the means. He operates with minimal or no scruples, and can be a leader or follower whenever it suits him.
All men have attributes of the foregoing labels in varying degree or form, or depending on the situation(s) they find themselves. Therefore it is safe to say men are hybrids of the psychoanalytical models.
The Male is a complex human being exhibiting sometimes contradictory or self-effacing attributes especially in response to stimuli.
SOME FUNDAMENTAL INEXORABLE TRUTHS
Men and Women are not (created) equal but are complementary. “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men and women are created equal.” – Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Feminists have a distorted world view: wrong to seek equality between men and women. Both biologically and emotionally different. “Affirmative actions” e.g. in USA aim to achieve parity between men and women in offices, etc. but misplaced, doomed to fail.
WOMEN AND SUBMISSIVENESS
Submissiveness is not timidity or groveling, it is not servitude either. Women from birth are socialized to be submissive; in later years this is reinforced with religion (Islam and Christianity) and cultural practices. Submissiveness is also inappropriate where there is abuse or a threat to life.
What a man can do a woman can do also. And vice versa. But not absolute. Can a man be pregnant? Can a woman impregnate another? But each is better as a complement.
Real men value submissive women but not wimps. Rebuke albeit with love and care.
GIRL-CHILD TO ADULTHOOD
From about Age 4 teach the girl-child to understand the concept of ‘personal space’ of about 1meter within which no one is permitted without her consent; emphasize character, boldness, self-esteem, self-control, fearlessness
A woman should aspire to have a life-sustaining career from an early age (20s). And should marry early, marry a friend.
Attach or link the young woman to a mature life-coach or mentor (This role best performed by her young aunties in their mid-30s or early 40s). For matured women, a platonic male friend can be a preferred mentor.
Education must be rounded and include emotional intelligence and emotional training, e. g crying is healthy.
DON’T CHALLENGE YOUR MAN
Rather compliment him. Always. Except in cases of inappropriate conduct. Don’t challenge your man in public. Love, passion, long-suffering, fortitude, perseverance, enthusiasm, energy, loyalty – these conquer all things!
No man or woman is a failure. “I haven’t failed, I’ve found 10,000 ways that don’t work.” – Thomas Edison. Keep strongly reinforcing the positive values in your man from time to time. Nudge him but gently to change, if you must. “Power is nothing without control.” – Pirelli advert
WHAT’S ON A MAN’S MIND?
Men are wired to think of Women, Sex, Money, Career, Leisure, Family, Charity, Accomplishments, not necessarily in that order. When pursuing a career goal or business target however, a man’s mind may become blunt especially towards women and sex.
Men are majorly sensory beings, women are more emotional.
When a man first meets a woman even with her having, say PhD in Neuroscience or such high attainment, his first instinct is to ‘take in’ her physical endowments or lack thereof, not her great brain power.
Men are also very territorial over their woman/ women.
KEEPING THE RELATIONSHIP GOING
Confidentiality. Avoid discussing matters concerning your man with another man or worse, woman, whether he’s single or married. Rather seek advice (preferably) from a man whom you’re sure has only platonic interest in you and wants your happiness. Keep his secrets. If your husband or partner is say, a ritualist or an armed robber, either you leave him or you live with him with your lips sealed. e.g. an Evans wife!
Jealousy: Men are extremely possessive over women they love. Avoid double-dating if you can. A jealous man can very easily kill.
Loyalty, understanding, strong home science skills, personal hygiene and cleanliness, cook for him, love him, spoil him, call him My Lord and Master, My Body (MB), The Man, My Owner (MO), Sugar, etc. Have a pet name for him that swells his (big) head! Companionship, love and romance, empathy, etc strongly endear a man to any woman. Like hitting a squash ball.
Companionship, constant communication, trust, romance – ingredients for a happy relationship
Respect your man, cook for him, spoil him.
Don’t ever suggest to him, “Go out and play with the boys (his friends).” Let him be the one to make such determination, and try to dampen such if you will. Worse, don’t tell him “go and have a girlfriend or mistress or another wife.” Don’t do it. He will take this as a sign you love him less or you’re perhaps into another man. You would have opened a Pandora box and may ultimately regret it.
Whatever challenges you both have (including child bearing) work on them together and privately. Let solutions be mutually agreed amongst the two of you. “What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas.”
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE & SEXUAL HARRASMENT
Domestic violence and sexual harassment are both unhealthy and degrading relationships. Such toxic relationships must not be allowed to subsist or must be aborted as quickly as possible.
But just like in cases of Advance Fee Fraud (Section 419 of Penal Code), where elements of greed provide fertile soil for heinous crimes, virtues of self-control, self-restraint, character, modesty, contentment, self-esteem, etc. play strong mitigating factors or deterrents.
The book ‘Why Men Love Bitches’ by Sherry Argov is wrong. Men don’t love bitches, men use (and dump) bitches!!!
The dignity of the human person and the well-being of society must be emphasized at all times. Work on your relationships to succeed. In the event of serious threat to life it is advisable to leave the man than to end up suddenly under six feet!
Only a beast beats up a woman or sexually assaults her. Sex trafficking, pedophilia and rape should be capital offenses.
“Appeasers believe that if you keep throwing steaks to a tiger, the tiger becomes a vegetarian.” – Heywood Broun, USA journalist (1888-1939)
CONCLUSION
“A man called the Social Security office where I work and requested an estimate of his benefits upon retirement. After I gave him the information he inquired about his wife’s benefits. I asked if she had ever worked. ‘She has worked all her life making me happy.’ That was nice, I commented, but had she ever worked under Social Security? ‘No’ he said, ‘we made an agreement when we got married. I would make the living and she would make the living worthwhile.” – Reader’s Digest, February 1986
“Marriage is a workshop; the man works while the wife shops.” – Anonymous. Do you agree? What if roles are reversed?
“Some people are more talented than others. Some are more educationally privileged than others. But we all have the capacity to be great. Greatness comes from recognizing that your potential is limited only by how you choose, how you use your freedom, how resolute you are – in short, by your attitude.” – Peter Koestenbaum, German philosopher and professor
Your attitude determines your altitude!
Please understand your man from his id and his socio-cultural underpinnings!