Dear Dorothy: Am I kind or a people pleaser?

Dear Rose,

You have asked an honest and important question. There is a difference between kindness and people pleasing. Kindness is a conscious choice, it comes from a place of generosity and balance. People pleasing, however, often comes from fear: fear of rejection, of conflict, or of being disliked. It is a pattern of putting everyone else’s needs before your own until you barely recognise your own voice.

The danger of people pleasing is that it can chip away at your sense of self. You may feel temporarily relieved when someone is happy with you, but deep down you are left frustrated, anxious, and sometimes even resentful. In time, it can affect your relationships, because you are not being authentic.

What can you do?

1. Pause before answering. Give yourself time to think instead of automatically saying yes.

2. Practise saying no politely. A simple “I cannot manage that right now” is enough, you do not owe lengthy explanations.

3. Start small. Set boundaries in low-risk situations first, so you build confidence.

4. Check your motives. Ask yourself, “Am I doing this out of choice, or out of fear of disapproval?”

5. Prioritise self-care. When you look after your own wellbeing, you arein a stronger position to help others sincerely.

Remember, people who truly care about you will respect your boundaries. Those who only value you when you bend over backwards for them are not people you need to please.

Being kind is admirable, but kindness should never come at the expense of your own peace of mind. Learning to say no is not selfish—it is healthy. In fact, the more you honour your own needs, the more genuine and lasting your kindness to others will be.

Yours sincerely,

Dorothy