Dear Dorothy,
My ex and I were together for about three years before breaking up about a year ago. Friends have tried to broker reconciliation between us in a bid to bring us back together again. This has brought about a situation of “on again – off again” relationship between us. He even called me about a month ago wanting to give our relationship another chance but then changed his mind.
The main problem with our relationship was that I had a daughter when I was about eighteen and my ex found it difficult to accept my daughter and me as a package deal. When we first started dating, I never hid the fact that I was a single mother from him. He said he was okay with it. But I have come to realize he does not want to be with me because I have a child by another man.
Dorothy, I love this man and treat him quite well. I cook for him and take really good care of him. I have tried to show him that my love for my child in no way takes away from my love for him.
My daughter is eight years old and she is fond of him. She is always asking of him – why he is not around, and she wonders when she will see him again. I had hoped that our relationship would end in marriage and I will have a husband, and my little girl a “dad.”
Dorothy, what chances has a single mother got with respect to finding a man who will accept her and her child and settle down with her? I just feel like I will never find love. He isn’t the first guy to leave me because I have a child.
What should I do? What is your opinion? Please help.
My Dear,
It is really a pity that quite a large number of men are not man enough, or should I say ready or mature enough to take on a “ready-made family” which is the position you find yourself in.
Most men are really not able to handle this. In my opinion, it is best if a man is honest with a single mother he is dating as regards his ability to accept her status and live with it. Men seem to prefer playing “dad” with their own biological children. This does not necessarily make these chaps “bad” guys; it is just the way the cookie crumbles.
That said, there are men who are able to date, cope and handle a relationship with a single mom. There is nothing wrong with you being a single mother. It just that it takes a bit of maturity on the part of a man to date someone with a child.
Time is a great healer. I know it hurts you to part with your ex-boyfriend, but there is no need being in a relationship that is leading nowhere. It is rather unfortunate for you that he wasn’t honest before you got close, though perhaps he genuinely believed he was okay with it. In any case, try not to feel bitter about it. All you can do when dating is take things slowly, be upfront from the start that you have a child, and be clear with any man that if they can’t accept your child, the relationship is going nowhere.
You may also find dating guys with children themselves works better for you. In any case, it is just a fact of life that, as a parent, there’s something about you that, for some, is a deal breaker. And it isn’t something you can or would wish to change, and it’s not a bad reflection on you. Just take your time to build trust and understanding when starting a new relationship. Your ex and a few men have let you down; this does not mean the next man will.
Good luck.