Dear Dorothy,
My daughter is 19, and she is dating a 39-year-old man. I feel this is totally inappropriate. There is a 20-year-old difference between them! Her father is so upset. He does not know how to handle the situation, and they end up arguing all the time. My husband is inclined to blame me for the relationship. Dorothy, how am I to blame? I have tried to bring up my daughter to be morally upstanding. I don’t see how my daughter believes that this relationship is okay; and she has alienated her whole family in the process. What can I do to make her see that she is not on the right trajectory in life?
My dear,
Youth is so deceptive. Most youngsters are in such a hurry to grow up that they miss the joy of being their age, and enjoy doing those things appropriate for their age. More often than not, if they don’t realize soon enough that they are on the wrong track and change direction, their actions lead them to a life full of regrets in the years to come.
Do not be angry with your daughter. The person to be angry with is the 39-year-old man who has the audacity to carry on a relationship with a 19 year old. Try and talk to your daughter, and get her to reason with you. Point out why you think this relationship is not good for her. This may take several attempts, so try and be patient with her. The less hysteria on the part of you and your husband, the more chances you have of influencing her behavior. Her boyfriend may be using his emotional influence over her to convince her you are wrong. She is 19, and now it becomes a battle of wills and something to prove. Girls of that age go for the wrong-guys before they go for the ones you think are “appropriate.” So, be patient; the last thing you want her to do is to cut you off and be under his control!
If you make all kinds of threats, you will estrange her. Let us hope your daughter will listen to the voice of reason and understand that everything you’ve said is for her own good, and put a stop to the relationship before it is too late. However note that it is she who has to live her life with all its pains and joy. You can’t protect your children all their lives, you can only advise them and pray.