Dear Dorothy,
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for seven years and we have two daughters together. We first met as colleagues in the same company and our relationship blossomed into a love affair.
During our early days of courtship, we spent most weekends together and it wasn’t too long before I moved in with him and gave up my apartment.
Within a year of our cohabitation, I got pregnant and had our first baby. I was hoping that with the baby, we would formalize our relationship by getting married but my partner was not willing to tie the knot at the time.
Since we were happy as a couple, it didn’t bother me much, but two children later and age catching up on me, living with my man out of wedlock is beginning to bother me.
And, although he refers to me as his wife to all his friends, he has never introduced me to his parents. Is it because I do not have a son for him yet that he is reluctant to tie the knot?
Dorothy, I want us to formalize our relationship by getting married. Please advice.
My Dear,
You are very much within your right to get concerned. Seven years is a long time and I dare say unacceptable to be waiting to formalise a relationship, which to all intents and purposes is a marriage.
First, let’s hope there is not a first wife as this could be the reason he is not making any move to officially settle down with you.
You may have heard the saying, ‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.’ This idiom is often used to refer to men who prefer to get all the benefits of marriage without getting married.
Yes, you are in the wrong for not doing what you know you should have done. What made you accept his decision to leave your relationship on a casual basis all these years?
But don’t be too hard on yourself; you are not an exception in this regard. A good number of women get into situations like this without meaning to. We all want companionship and love and sometimes we get into a pattern and routine with a partner which does not really augur well for what we really want.
Talk to his close friends and find out if there are issues that could be stopping him from introducing you to his parents or if there’s anything you may have done wrong that could be leading to this situation.
Following this, confront him and get him to give you his definite plans and his thoughts about your relationship. Make it known to him that referring to you as his wife doesn’t make you his wife. He needs to know that the prolonged avoidance of settling down officially with you is hurting you.
Your email did not mention that he’s been introduced to your side of the family. Have you introduced him to your parents and relations? If you could get him to come to your home on a special invitation to meet your family, this may help. Parents and relations have a way of cajoling a man to do the right thing by their daughter especially when kids are involved.
Personally, I don’t think it’s because you have two daughters for him that is making him hold back. Your confronting him should hopefully bring all the issues on the table.
I do hope that confronting him and getting him to meet with members of your family will propel him to take the necessary steps to formalize your relationship.
Good luck.