Dear Dorothy,
I’m a 32-year-old mother, and I have been divorced for three years. My marriage was psychologically abusive, and this has made me very cautious and reluctant to embark on any new relationship. I realise that healing from all the hurt from my marriage is not going to happen overnight, but I do worry that three years on, I am still not over the hurt. Sometimes I think I should just devote my life to taking care of my two children. However, I know kids grow up so fast and leave home to lead their own lives, and I don’t want to grow old alone.
How do I get past the hurt and move on with my life?
My dear,
It is a pity you had such a marital relationship. An abusive relationship tends to leave emotional scars that take time to overcome. The longer a person has stayed in such a relationship the harder it is to heal.
Healing from an abusive relationship may require some professional help. I think you will benefit from such assistance. You may think about seeing a psychologist, who could help you work through your anger, resentment, helplessness and hurt. Doing this will help you improve your self-esteem and to conquer the fear of intimacy you have developed.
It is the nature of those who abuse their spouse to make them feel worthless. But remember that every human being is unique and has something to offer, and you should take steps to reassert your self-worth and uniqueness as a person by thinking positive thoughts about yourself. Come up with a positive affirmation about yourself and affirm this often. Take for example: “I am whole in body, mind, spirit and soul. I am beautiful and have a vibrant personality. I am at peace and happy with myself. I radiate joy to all around me. I thank God for the countless blessings he showers on me daily”. This will help counteract the negative suggestions your ex-husband heaped on you.
As you rightly thought, set aside all considerations about devoting yourself entirely to your children. Yes, kids indeed grow up, move out and get on with their own lives, so you need to have a life of your own. Get involved in social activities. Perhaps, your religious community and their activities can be a starting point.
Chin up, cheer up and good luck with your life.