Dear Dorothy,
I find myself getting angry so easily these days. It could be something small, like my sibling borrowing my things without asking or being stuck in traffic. Sometimes, I lash out and later regret what I said. At other times, I keep it in, and then I explode over something minor. I don’t like feeling this way, but I don’t know how to control it. Please help. How can I manage my anger before it ruins my relationships?
— Chinasa
Dear Chinasa,
Thank you for writing so honestly—it takes courage to admit when emotions feel overwhelming. Anger itself isn’t a “bad” emotion; it’s natural, and it often signals that something important to you has been crossed: a boundary, a value, or even just your patience. The problem arises when anger controls you instead of the other way around.
Here are some ways you can handle it:
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Pause before reacting. When you feel anger rising, take a breath, step away, or count to ten. This brief pause can prevent regretful words or actions.
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Name your feeling. Simply saying (even silently to yourself), “I’m frustrated,” or “I feel disrespected,” can deflate the intensity. Labelling emotions gives you back a sense of control.
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Look for triggers. Keep a small journal and note when anger shows up. You might notice patterns—like tiredness, hunger, or specific people/situations—that make you more reactive.
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Channel the energy. Physical activity, a brisk walk, or even squeezing a stress ball can help your body release tension instead of bottling it up.
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Communicate calmly. When you’ve cooled down, express how you feel using “I” statements. For example: “I feel upset when my things are borrowed without permission” instead of “You always take my stuff!” This lowers defensiveness and encourages understanding.
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Practise self-care. Lack of sleep, stress, and poor diet can all fuel irritability. Taking care of your body supports emotional balance.
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Seek support if needed. If anger is damaging your relationships or feels uncontrollable, a counsellor or therapist can provide tools tailored to you.
Remember, anger is like fire: destructive if left unchecked, but useful when controlled, it can motivate you to set boundaries, protect yourself, and stand up for what matters. The key is to manage it so it works for you, not against you.
You’ve already taken the first step by acknowledging it. That shows strength, not weakness. With practice and patience, you’ll find healthier ways to respond.
Warmly,
Dorothy