Dear Dorothy,
People keep telling me I look angry, distant, or unapproachable. The truth is, I’m not. I just don’t smile easily. Even when I’m happy, my face doesn’t always show it. I feel pressure to constantly soften my expression so I don’t offend anyone, especially at work or social gatherings. It’s exhausting, and sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me. Why can’t I smile like everyone else, and how do I handle the reactions that come with it?
Signed,
Tiara
Dear Tiara,
First, take a breath. Nothing is wrong with you.
Not everyone wears their emotions on their face, and smiling is not a moral obligation. Somewhere along the line, society decided that a pleasant face equals a pleasant person, and anyone who doesn’t perform cheerfulness must be cold, rude, or unhappy. That assumption is lazy, and it’s unfair.
Some people are naturally expressive. Others are thoughtful, reserved, or inward-looking. Your face may simply be at rest, not at war.
The real issue here isn’t your inability to smile. It’s the pressure you feel to manage other people’s comfort at the expense of your own. Constantly correcting your face, rehearsing expressions, or apologising for how you look will drain you faster than you realise.
That said, context matters. If you’re in spaces where warmth helps communication, small adjustments can be practical, not performative. A gentle nod, eye contact, or a kind tone often communicates far more than a forced grin. Smiling doesn’t only live on the lips.
When people comment on your expression, you’re allowed to respond calmly and honestly. A simple, “I’m fine, this is just my thinking face,” or “I may not smile much, but I’m very engaged,” sets a boundary without turning the moment into a defence.
And if someone insists you should smile more, remember this: your face is not public property. You do not owe constant visual reassurance.
The people who matter will learn your language. They will recognise your warmth in your words, your consistency, your actions, and the way you show up. Anyone who reduces your worth to a facial expression isn’t paying enough attention anyway.
So stop fighting your face. It has carried you through every version of your life. That deserves kindness, not correction.
With care,
Dorothy