Dear Dorothy,
I’ve found myself tangled in a web of secrets. Some are small like how I really feel about his mother’s constant interference or that I sometimes spend more than I say on things I don’t need. Others are bigger things from my past that I’ve never told him because I’m afraid it would change the way he sees me.
We’ve been together for four years, living together for two, and he’s a good man, kind, supportive, and trusting. But I can’t shake the guilt. Every time he tells me how lucky he feels to have someone so honest and open, I wince.
I didn’t plan to keep things from him. It started with one or two omissions, then snowballed. Now I don’t know how to unravel it all without breaking his trust or damaging our relationship.
Is it ever okay to keep things hidden in a relationship? Am I a terrible person for not being completely transparent? I don’t know whether to come clean or carry on pretending.
Yours,
Whitney
Dear Whitney,
First of all, breathe. You are not a terrible person. You’re a human being. That means you can be messy, complex, flawed, and trying your best, as most of us are. Relationships are rarely built on full disclosure from day one; they evolve, and so do the truths we feel ready to share.
Let’s be clear: having secrets isn’t the same as being deceitful. Privacy and dishonesty are not twins. We all carry parts of ourselves: past hurts, regrets, little indulgences, that we’re not always ready to share. That said, a relationship built on half-truths will eventually buckle under the weight of what’s left unsaid.
You say some of these secrets are minor things like your spending habits or gripes about his mum. Those can be addressed gently and gradually. You don’t need to blurt out everything at once. Choose your moments with care and love, especially if you want to build deeper trust.
As for the bigger things, the shadows from your past, ask yourself: are they relevant to the present relationship? If the answer is yes, then consider why you’ve held back and what you hope would come from sharing now. If it would offer greater intimacy or lift a burden that’s eating at you, then yes, it’s worth finding a way to talk.
But if the urge to confess stems more from guilt than necessity, pause. Sometimes we offload our truths to make ourselves feel better, without fully considering the impact on the other person. Sharing should come with compassion, not as a purge.
You’re not alone in this. The fact you’re worried shows you care. I’d say: take it slowly. Start with one or two of the lighter truths. See how it feels. Let honesty become a bridge, not a bombshell. If your partner truly loves you, the real you, not a polished version, he will want to know you, even your imperfect bits.
And finally, be kind to yourself. You’re not the first to have secrets. But you have a choice now to start unravelling them with grace, or to stay tangled in the silence. Choose growth.
Warmly,
Dorothy