Dear Dorothy,
The issue of homosexuality is a taboo subject in our society. Growing up I must confess that I never even gave the subject matter a second thought. I never met nor interacted with anyone who was engaged in homosexuality, so I thought.
Dorothy, I am a straight woman who, unwittingly, married a gay man. There are a lot of us out there, and some still ignorant of their spouse’s sexual orientation.
I met my husband within our social circles. We were both single; I was in my late 20s and he was in his early 30s. When he asked me for a date, there was no question of his sexuality, like I have said earlier; I didn’t know anyone who was gay in my circle of friends or associates.
We connected and began to date regularly. We dated for three years before getting married. We come from affluent backgrounds, so the wedding was a big social event.
My husband is an executive director in his father’s company and so it wasn’t unusual for him to travel often and spend time away from home.
We have now been married for ten years and have three lovely kids –two boys and a girl. The oldest of which is 8.
My first inkling that something was amiss was four months ago, and it was nothing short of earthshattering. I found ticket stubs for gay venues in his trouser pockets while attempting to wash them. Following this, I discovered gay magazines in the desk drawer of his private study at home. To crown it all, I discovered some text messages which were quite explicit in content that he had exchanged with a guy on his phone.
Dorothy, I was shocked, perplexed, confused because up to that point, I considered my marriage as a happy one. Was our relationship all these years a lie? Why did I not have a clue all these years? Was our marriage all a sham? Did I never suspect? Not once. Although, when I found out, it was as if a veil was removed from my eyes making everything clearer. I had my doubts about some aspects of our relationship, but not his sexuality.
It took me a while to confront my husband with my discovery. To my consternation, he seemed not to be perturbed insisting that he was very much in love with me and that he was bisexual. I could not get my head around what he was saying. A part of me wanted to believe him that he loved me and another part felt nothing but revulsion that the man I had laid in his arms intimately found other men attractive in that kind of way.
Dorothy, I am at a difficult crossroad in my married life. Do I choose to stay with him as he wants me to or do I end our marriage and try to make a new life for myself and my kids? My gut feeling is to end my marriage and move on.
I want to be clear headed in coming to a decision: I am a woman married to
- A man who engages in relationships with other men but in trying to keep up with societal norms married me and we had children together.
- I came to discover his double life accidentally, not that he confided in me.
- How will my two sons and daughter react if growing up, they get to know that their father swung both ways as he puts it?
- How will this knowledge impact their lives and personalities going forward?
- Knowing what I know now about him, can our life together be anything like normal?
Dorothy, I have to put an end to my marriage and see how to put my life back together again for my sake and that of my children.
My Dear,
I do honestly sympathize with your situation. I also support your decision to end your marriage for the sake of your mental and emotional well-being and that of your children.
I wish you the best of luck as you set out to make a new life for yourself and your children.