Dear Dorothy,
I am writing because I feel deeply ashamed of something I have never been able to say out loud. I am in my fifties and I am still a virgin. On the outside, my life looks fine. I work, I socialise, I laugh with friends. But inside, I carry this heavy secret.
Everyone around me seems to assume that by this age, certain milestones have been reached. Conversations about relationships, intimacy and past experiences make me feel like an outsider. Sometimes people joke about it, sometimes they speak with certainty, and each time I smile and stay quiet.
I worry that if anyone finds out, they will see me as strange, immature or undesirable. I also fear that if I ever get close to someone, my lack of experience will be a problem or a source of ridicule. I keep asking myself what is wrong with me and why my life has not followed the expected script.
Is this something I should be ashamed of? And how do I stop feeling like I am behind in life?
-Anita
Dear Anita,
First, let me say this clearly. There is nothing wrong with you.
Virginity is not a measure of your worth, your attractiveness or your emotional maturity. It is simply a description of an experience you have not yet had. Society often treats sex as a deadline-driven achievement, but real life is far more varied than the stories we hear or the assumptions people make.
People arrive at intimacy in different ways and at different times. Some wait because of personal values. Some because of fear, trauma, circumstance or simply not meeting the right person. None of these reasons makes you less whole or less human.
The shame you are carrying did not come from within you. It was learned from a culture that equates sexual experience with success and adulthood. But many people who crossed that line early still struggle with connection, self-esteem and fulfilment. Experience alone does not guarantee confidence or happiness.
If you ever choose to be intimate with someone, the right person will care far more about how you communicate, how you feel and how you treat each other than about what you have or have not done before. Kindness, honesty and emotional presence matter far more than a sexual timeline.
You do not owe anyone an explanation for your life choices or your personal history. And you are not behind. You are simply on your own path.
Start by being gentle with yourself. Question the voice that says you should be ashamed and ask whose standards you are trying to meet. You are allowed to live a full, meaningful life at your own pace.
You are not defective. You are not late. You are not alone.
With care,
Dorothy