Dear Dorothy,
I am turning 40 this year. I am a divorced mother of three. I met my ex-husband at the university where we fell in love and married after our National Youth Service Corps.
However, he has two children with two different women. The first he had as a teenager when he was in his final year of secondary school and the second was during our marriage when he had an affair. His parents are quite well to do and took care of the child he fathered as a teenager.
Over the years, he has taken over the care of the child from his teenage years. I didn’t mind because the child had to be cared for. It was my discovery that he has fathered another child during our marriage that led to the end of our relationship since I felt betrayed and could not bring myself to live with his philandering.
Following our divorce, he moved in with his lover but they did not get married. It has been about 5 years now.
The problem is that in the past few months, he has been calling and texting to tell me he wants me to forgive him and that we should get back together. He is the love of my youth and I have fond feelings for him. The passage of time has helped me come to terms with what happened; I am no longer angry and bitter about his betrayal.
I have been mauling over his request that we get back together again, but I am not quite able to make up my mind what to do. I am not in any relationship with another man at present. Please advice.
My Dear,
Your ex-husband had an affair, which upset you so much that it led to the end of your marriage. Five years on, he wants to get back into your life. He is the love of your youth and time being a great healer has helped you come to terms with his betrayal so much so that you are no longer bitter and angry towards him.
You are the only person who can really decide which way to go. Accept his apologies and get back together with him or hold firm and get on with your life without him since you are still young to chart a new course for yourself.
Whatever you are thinking to do, it is important to keep in mind that the other woman is a factor and would remain so. When he gets back together with you, what is to become of her and her child? Has he told you about his plans for them? Is he going to be keeping two homes? This will amount to a polygamous relationship. Are you prepared for that? Most women find it hard to share their man with another woman and I suppose this is the case with you since his affair led to your divorce in the first place.
Have a candid discussion with him and be clear as to how he expects things to be going forward having the other woman and her child in mind.
If for any reason what he proposes does not sit well with your own ideas of how the relationship should be going forward, I think you should decline his offer of your getting back together even though you still care for him.
If on the other hand, you can live with his plans for the future for both you and his lover then go ahead and reconcile with him.