Dear Dorothy,
A few weeks ago, a car containing 3 children, the oldest of which was 9, and a woman accompanied by the first daughter of my husband’s family (the Ada in Igbo parlance) drove into the compound where I lived with my husband and two children (a boy and a girl aged 20 and 18 respectively). I thought she was visiting with her friends. But, you can just imagine my shock when she said that the woman was the second wife of my husband and that my husband’s family have decided that she should move in to live in so that their brother can stop running himself riot shuttling between two homes.
I was speechless and so shocked at the scene playing out before me – they began to move their bags into the house and rooms allocated to them by my husband’s sister.
Dorothy, what was so shocking is that my husband of twenty-one years has been secretly raising another family for many years. I really thought I was married to a good, loving and caring man. And, we live an envious lifestyle of A-list parties, holidays abroad, a big well-furnished house, several cars, and children in Universities abroad. I never imagined that my husband was having an affair let alone a family outside ours.
Dorothy, I am not bad looking and I do take the steps to be well groomed and attractive. Even though we have cooks and stewards, I make sure I attend to what my husband eats and needs. It is now obvious that this was not enough to keep him solely to myself. I love him, the children love him but I can’t bear the fact that I have been sharing him with another woman for a good number of years. I’m married to a polygamist without my knowledge.
Do I stay in this marriage or get a divorce. I really don’t want to live in a polygamous relationship or share my husband with another woman.
Please advise me.
My dear,
Living with a man for twenty-one years only to wake up one fine day to discover that all is not what it seems in any form or shape is perplexing! It is not surprising that you are shocked.
When someone you love and trust lets you down so badly, it is a very painful thing to go through. How do you go about reconciling what you have all along known your husband to be and what you have just discovered of him?
You may be asking yourself, what drove him to go about having two sets of a family? Was it of your action or inaction? My dear, you have no blame in this if what you have narrated in your mail is true. The person who has betrayed the trust between both of you is your husband.
I am sure you have heard it said, “Men are polygamous by nature.”
Whether or not this statement is true, most men may play around but they do not go ahead to turn into polygamists. So no matter the reason your husband adduces, if any, the situation on ground is that you are in a polygamous relationship. The question now is: How do you handle the situation you now find yourself in which is not of your own making?
I will urge you not to make any rash decisions. While growing up, my mother always cautioned my brothers to avoid polygamy like a plague. Her reason was that a man with two or more wives is on his own as each wife will only be after what she can get off him to care for herself and her children.
Since he set up another home unbeknown to you for several years, you could stay in this marriage knowing full well that it is never going to be the same again and take care of yourself and your children until they are out of university. You have to also arrange yourself to move on and make a life for yourself without him.
Polygamy comes with its psychosocial challenges. The potential health risks they present, the rivalry, unhealthy competition and deadly jealousy are things to contend with. So you have to know how to deal with these issues until you are able to make your move to divorce your husband.
On the other hand, you may decide to adjust to the situation learning to live with and deal with where you now find yourself with respect to your marital situation. Yes, it will take a long time to come to terms with what has happened. The pain, anger, frustration and agony this is causing in your life will be difficult to deal with but for the sake of your mental health, you have to deal with it and get it behind you.
Divorce may seem an easier way out but it will not erase the facts of the situation. It may even work to the other woman’s advantage in making her the “winner” in this love triangle.
No doubt, if you walk from the marriage she’ll have your husband exclusively to herself. Yes, you did not bargain for a polygamous relationship, but remember, you have actually been in a polygamous marriage unknown to you for a number of years. Nothing has changed except that you are now aware of the true position and the battles you will be fighting. Not seeking for divorce and learning to live and deal with this polygamous situation is an option you may wish to consider.
Whichever decision you take, I wish you the best of luck.