Dear Dorothy,
I’ve been married for 20 years with three kids. Over the years, my husband has been quite caring and loving towards me and pays close attention to me. However, three years ago, I began to notice a change in his behaviour towards me; he was being a bit distant from me and did not pay me much attention as he used to.
I thought this was as a result of pressure from his work and that it would be a passing phase, but I was wrong; it went from bad to worse.
He takes care of his children and gives me money to run the home but he no longer takes me out like he used to. We have not been intimate for close to two years now. I have tried talking to him to discover the reason for the disconnect in our love life, but he just shuts me out and refuses to talk about it. I am wondering if he has another woman in his life.
I am not happy and I want us to be back the way we were. I am now very confused. Please advice.
My Dear,
Many things might be at play here resulting in your husband’s behaviour. It may not be another woman in his life nor the stress of work.
Search yourself. What has changed? Have you been nagging and demanding towards him? Have you been overbearing? Have you let yourself go; neglecting your looks and how you dress? Many women have a tendency of not taking care of themselves the moment they get married. They look shabby, add weight and do not groom themselves, thus losing their attractiveness.
Do you pay attention to his food and occasionally serve him his favourite dishes? If you work, do you help with some of the family expenditures in any way, or do you leave it all up to him?
Bottom line, is there something unpleasant about you or something you have done that he can’t bring himself to discuss or forgive?
When you’ve searched yourself and realize what went wrong, take urgent steps to remedy them. If as you say he is not communicating with you, send him an email telling him that you are not happy with the way things are between you both. If you offended him in any way, ask him to forgive you so that you can both get over it and rekindle your loving relationship.
See how he responds afterwards. But, while you are waiting for his reaction, get a social life that is not totally tied to your husband’s calendar. Perhaps you can join your church community.
Also, take the necessary steps to take care of yourself; look and smell good, catch up with friends, go for a movie or go out for a meal, take up a new hobby or sports, or take a short course in something you have always wanted to do. It may be that he no longer finds you attractive, so do things that help you raise your self-esteem. Love yourself and be happy, don’t wait for him to give you happiness.
However, be patient with him, and be nice to him, play your part, be a good wife, pray for him daily, continue treating him as your husband. My guess is with time he will come to realise you are the best woman for him. After all, you have lived together for twenty years.
Be strong emotionally and intellectually. You will win through.
Good luck.