Dear Dorothy,
I have been married, with kids, for eight years to a man whom I know loves and cares for me.
Some time ago, I attended the wedding of a relation of mine while my husband was away on business and bumped into an old flame at the wedding reception. One thing led to another and I ended up spending the evening in a hotel room with him.
Dorothy, I have been full of regrets at what happened and wish I could turn back the clock. I don’t know what possessed me to do what I did because my husband and I have a good sex life. I don’t want to make the excuse that my ex turned on the charm, I take full responsibility for what happened and I am not proud of myself.
I don’t know how my husband found out about my indiscretion. It happened over eighteen months ago but he is finding it very difficult to deal with the betrayal. I have sought his forgiveness but things are very tense between us.
Dorothy, I don’t know how to restore the cordial and loving relationship between my husband and I. Please advice; I am desperate.
My Dear,
What can I say? A rule I’ve always lived by is: “Do not put yourself in a position where you may be faced with temptation,” this way, you do not have to find out if you can resist the temptation or not.
In your case, what is done is done. Now, your focus should be on how to resolve the situation.
This is a difficult one because from what you’ve said, your husband is not taking kindly to your betrayal. Most people find it difficult to deal with a partner’s unfaithfulness.
Try and convey to him lovingly; gently, but firmly, that you love him and will do everything you can to earn back his trust and respect but that being resentful for the rest of your life isn’t on the list of productive steps needed to put behind what happened and move past it.
You have to bear in mind that if he cannot find a way to deal with your betrayal and move forward, he will bring it up for years and this will impact your emotional state. You should be mindful of this so you can guard yourself against being an emotional wreck
You need to remind him as the need arises that you are deeply sorry for that hurt, however, whatever you do, don’t come across as telling him to “get over it”. A huge part of the hurt that comes from being cheated on is the lack of value we feel our unfaithful partner places on our emotional well-being.
This said, I think your husband should either forgive you and never use it against you or be up front and honest with you if he’s unable to deal with your betrayal.
The issue of trust, however, is totally separate from forgiveness. The fact that you are transparent with him about your indiscretion and have sought his understanding and forgiveness helps but for some men, it is a tough call to let go of the hurt.
Second, rebuilding trust is a process, so discuss that process and find out what are concrete steps he would need to feel at peace because ultimately love requires a sense of trust.
Since it’s been more than eighteen months, and you have taken steps to make your husband forgive to no avail, I suggest counselling to drive the issue of forgiveness and pave way for trust in order to come up to a lasting, constructive solution.
I do think you can salvage your marriage because within the past eighteen months he has not left, which means he wants to salvage your union. It seems to me that the only thing left is to figure out how. Good luck.