Dear Dorothy,
I’m writing to you in sheer frustration. I’m the eldest of three, and ever since we were little, my younger brother and sister have seemed locked in a constant battle to outdo one another. Whether it’s grades, attention from our parents, or even something as trivial as who finishes their dinner first, everything turns into a competition.
Now we’re all adults, and it hasn’t stopped. My brother, especially, always has to one-up whatever anyone else says. If I say I got a promotion, he’s suddenly working on a “big project.” If my sister gets a new flat, he’s “looking into investment properties.” I find myself withdrawing from family gatherings just to avoid the tension.
What baffles me most is that our parents don’t seem to notice or perhaps they just don’t want to get involved. I love my siblings, but I’m exhausted by this unspoken competition. How do I move past this without losing my mind or my family?
Yours wearily,
Edna
Dear Edna,
Ah, the joys of family where love and rivalry often ride in the same car. What you’re experiencing is all too common. Sibling rivalry, while often dismissed as a childhood phase, can persist well into adulthood, especially if it was never properly addressed.
It sounds like your brother may be dealing with some insecurities of his own, and his constant one-upmanship is more a reflection of his need for validation than an attack on your achievements. That said, your feelings of frustration and fatigue are entirely valid.
Here’s what I’d suggest:
Set emotional boundaries – You can’t control their behaviour, but you can control your reactions. If the competition rears its head, politely excuse yourself or change the topic. Refuse to engage in the game.
Have an honest conversation – Pick a moment when things are calm and have a word, either one-on-one or as a group with your siblings. Keep it honest but non-accusatory. Use “I feel” rather than “you always…” It may help them see how their actions affect you.
Talk to your parents – They might be more aware than you think, but perhaps they’ve chosen not to intervene. A gentle nudge from you might encourage them to help reset the family dynamic.
Prioritise peace – It’s OK to take a step back from family gatherings now and then. Self-preservation isn’t selfish, it’s essential.
Families are wonderfully complicated, but with patience, boundaries, and a bit of bold honesty, even long-standing rivalries can shift into something healthier. You don’t need to keep score, you just need to keep your sanity.
Wishing you strength (and a sibling-free weekend),
Dorothy