Dear Auntie,
I am finding it increasingly hard to carry on an intellectual conversation with people around me. I enjoy talking about ideas, books, social issues and even light debates, but most times I am met with blank looks, jokes that shut the topic down, or comments that make me feel like I am trying too hard. I do not want to sound arrogant or detached, yet I am tired of feeling lonely in conversations. Is something wrong with me, or am I expecting too much from others?
Signed,
Chigozie
Dear Chigozie,
First, let me say this clearly. There is nothing wrong with you. Wanting meaningful conversation is not a character flaw, nor is it a sign of arrogance. It simply means your mind likes to stretch, wander and connect dots. That is a gift, even if it does not always feel like one.
Many people struggle with this quietly. They crave conversations that go beyond gossip, complaints, or surface-level banter, but they are surrounded by people who are tired, distracted, overwhelmed, or simply uninterested in going deeper. When this mismatch happens repeatedly, it can feel isolating and even make you question yourself.
One important thing to understand is that intellectual curiosity shows up differently in people. Some express it through reading and discussion. Others prefer practical problem solving, humour, storytelling, or hands-on creativity. A person may be intelligent and thoughtful, yet have no desire to analyse ideas out loud. Silence or disinterest in certain topics does not always equal a lack of depth.
That said, it is also true that not everyone will meet you where your mind naturally goes. And that is where discernment comes in.
You do not need to shrink yourself to make others comfortable, but you may need to adjust your expectations. Expecting every friend, colleague, or partner to engage in deep discussion will only leave you frustrated. Think of conversations as rooms. Some rooms are for rest, some for laughter, some for vulnerability, and a few special ones for rich, stretching dialogue. Not everyone has access to every room.
If you often feel dismissed, check how you are entering the conversation. Are you inviting people in, or are you unintentionally lecturing? Intellectual conversation thrives on curiosity, not performance. Asking thoughtful questions, listening generously, and allowing space for different viewpoints can make others feel safer to engage.
It is also worth asking yourself whether you are seeking connection or validation. Sometimes we want our thoughts to be met with enthusiasm because we want to feel seen and affirmed. That is human. But when validation becomes the goal, disappointment follows quickly. Try shifting the focus from being understood by everyone to enjoying the exchange itself, even when it is imperfect.
At the same time, you deserve spaces that nourish you. Seek out book clubs, discussion groups, online communities, lectures, or creative circles where curiosity is welcomed. These spaces exist, even if they take time to find. One or two people who truly engage with your thoughts can make a world of difference.
Finally, be gentle with yourself. Feeling lonely in conversation can sting because it touches a deeper need for belonging. Remind yourself that depth is not loud, flashy, or popular. It is often quiet and rare. And rare things take time to find their matching pieces.
You are not too much. You are simply looking for your people.
Warmly,
Dorothy