Love means different things to different people and when a love relationship begins between a man and a woman, the expectation of people or the society more often than not is that such a relationship culminates into marriage. Irrespective of what love means to us as individuals, one constant factor that is common to every successful relationship is commitment.
The demands of marriage requires that every adult who decides to enter into such institution is ready and does it of his or her accord as opposed to being pressured into it. I hold a strong view that no one should be pressured into marriage and despite recent public outcry that tow my line of thoughts, some people still get pressured into making such lifelong decisions.
When an individual begins to approach the age of 25 upwards, “when are you getting married?” becomes the popular song on the lips of friends and families around them. Though this question appears innocent and some would even argue that these people are just expressing their concern towards the recipient of the question, I however believe that a show of concern or rendering advice once in a while is not bad in itself, but when such concerns become recurrent or unsolicited, it becomes absolutely unnecessary.
Indeed, you would agree with me that there is nothing as beautiful as two people who are mutually in love. In a world full of crises, loving relationships around us help brighten our world and leaves in its trail a glimpse of hope. However, a relationship where one person derives joy and satisfaction at the expense of the other party has shifted from a mutually beneficial one to a parasitic one and such advertently or inadvertently contributes to the ills of the world.
This one-sided relationship described above perfectly describes one of my relationship experiences. Initially I had that feeling of having found the one, a feeling some of us can relate with, until I discovered I was living in my own illusionary world. My disillusionment came sequentially when I discovered that my so called Mr. Right was manifesting some behaviours which were incongruent with whom he had portrayed himself to be. His imperfections did not stem out from the usual flaws naturally attributable to human beings which could be waived off but rather were such that contradicted my own core values.
After confronting him on several occasions about his hurtful behavior, I soon realized he had no interest of mine at heart as I did his since I saw no remorse or change. Even at one point in time that I decided I was done with the lying, insensitivity and games that characterized the relationship, the pressure coming from various quarters at the time encouraging me to overlook his flaws so that I can get married like my mates made me continue to endure a relationship which was obviously hurting me.
One beautiful day, I reached my breaking limit! I had some honest self-talk with myself and realized I deserved if nothing at all, my sanity and happiness and if I continued in the relationship, those things would soon become a mirage. So I decided I was done sowing on an infertile ground. I walked out of the relationship with the hope of a brighter tomorrow. When I look back at the decision made then, I realized I took a right step and if given another chance, I would do it again and again.
Healthy relationships are born from genuine love for each other, honesty, sensitivity to each party’s needs, mutual respect and trust and where these are missing, the relationship becomes parasitic with one person or both parties feeling exploited. Furthermore, I must emphasize that parents, friends, families and society should desist from pressuring supposed matured individuals into getting married. Also as an adult, let nobody pressure you into signing the nuptial knots if you are not ready to do so.
This is because you alone are responsible for choices made. This subtle pressure is one of the contributory factors to some failed marriages all around us. Some people have been pressured into marrying people they knew were not right for them against all staggering odds and are left to their fate.
No doubt, every successful relationship requires hard work and since there are no perfect human beings, some level of compromise and tolerance are needed from time to time. But, when a relationship begins to leave in its wake a negative toll to the extent that one or both parties’ well being is put in jeopardy, such partners involved should seek counselling to see if it can be salvaged before considering marriage. If however nothing changes, then partners should be willing to let go of what they know they cannot endure or overlook.
I have learnt in my life experience to have a mind of my own, be hopeful and to be ready to take responsibilities for my actions. Above all, I have learnt that loving others begin with loving myself first and it is only when I begin to love myself the right way, that the right people who would love me the way I deserve to be loved will walk into my life.
Next time someone asks you when you are getting married, smile and tell them your marriage will happen in its own time.
Written by Ajegbomogun Olufunke