Dear Dorothy,
I have been dating my boyfriend for four years. I am in my late twenties while he is in his early thirties.
We are at the stage where our friends and families expect that we’ll soon disclose or marriage plans to them.
However, for three months now, I’ve noticed a change in him. He isn’t as affectionate and loving like he used to be. He stopped calling or texting, as is a habit of his.
I believed the change in his behaviour was due to the pressure at his workplace.
Dorothy, you can imagine my shock when he invited me out to dinner and told me that it was all over between us because his childhood sweetheart who moved abroad a few years ago was back and they had rekindled their love and fixed a date for their wedding.
How can he be so cruel to play with my emotions so casually?
I know I must get over this betrayal but I really don’t know how to go about it. I feel confused, unloved and very sad. Please advice.
My dear,
It is obvious that this man never got over his feelings for his ex-girlfriend and was never really in love with you all these years. My suspicion is that you were his ‘local’ chick while he was in contact with his girlfriend based outside the country. Wake up to the reality: your man was a user and he has used you and dumped you.
An advice from my mom is that there is no use crying over spilt milk. What is done is done. Yes, you are hurting and rightly so. Four years of dating a man with marriage in view (in your opinion) to find out you were living in a fool’s paradise is hard to deal with.
Right now, what you are feeling is the disappointment, sadness, pity, anger among other emotions. However, you should let go of the anger, forgive him for your peace of mind and move on. You are allowed to be angry, but the longer you stay angry, the longer you’ll hold on and the longer you will delay getting on with your life. In order to move on, you should forgive totally.
It is not too late for you to make a fresh start. There is a nice guy waiting to hold your hand and show you what real love is.
As an aside, an old woman of my acquaintance had this advice for young ladies. “Do not date a guy forever – two years is enough time to date someone and get to know them. Metal is easier to bend when it is still hot, so do the needful, but if you wait for it to cool down, it is far tougher to bend if at all.”
If by the third year, you haven’t hitched up, do a SWOT (strength, weaknesses, opportunities and threats) analysis of the relationship and make an informed decision as to whether to continue with it or move on.