Dear Dorothy,
I am in my early thirties, and married with two children. My marriage has had its ups and downs – mostly downs as my husband has been abusive and violent towards me for many years of our marriage. However, in recent times, he has taken time to work on himself and he is a changed man, and my marriage is happier as a result.
During the most difficult times of my marriage, one of our family friends was very supportive. Even though this friend was also married with three children, he paid so much attention to me. One thing lead to another, and we started an affair. I fell in love with him; I love everything about him. When we make love, it is quite different from when I do so with my husband. With this friend, it is not just lust, I feel loved and appreciated. Not long ago, both our spouses found out about our affair, and we decided to part ways as we didn’t want our respective families to breakup, and in the process disrupt the lives of our children.
I still harbor strong feelings towards my former lover and want us to get back together. However, I am also concerned about the welfare of my children. What should I do? How can I get rid of my feeling for this man? I am so confused. Please advice.
My dear,
Affairs with no future for most women usually have three phases: infatuation, realization that it has no future, and disentanglement. For a man there is only one phase: sex until he gets caught or gets tired of the relationship.
In your case, he got caught and he did not choose you. This means, apart from sex, you do not matter to him, even though you were under the impression he cared so much for you when your marriage was troubled. I think the man took advantage of your vulnerable situation to initiate an affair with you. If you just realize how much you have been used, you would immediately stop having any feelings for this man.
You need to sit down and evaluate everything that has occurred in your life over the years. I would suggest that you seek some professional assistance, in order to help you thoroughly evaluate your state of mind, and perhaps help you resolve some inner conflicts, and release painful feelings within. You should never have remained in a violent relationship, or got entangled with a married man.
Despite your intense feelings for this other man, I would strongly advise you to stop seeing him; do not place yourself in situations whereby you will see him, and want him over and over. This way, both of you will be able to move on with your lives.
To continue seeing each other, crossing paths, is very unhealthy for you both, and for your respective spouses, no matter how much or how little you all love each other in your respective marriages. The crucial issue is that you have two children that should be your first priority, not another married man.
You did mention that your husband has changed and is no longer abusive towards you. Are you sure that this change is permanent and he will not resort to his old ways again? Often times, men with violent tendencies have no patience and are not the forgiving kind. Be honest with yourself as to why you are staying with him.
If it turns out he has not changed, please make the very brave decision to get out of a very unhealthy union, and make a new life for yourself and your kids, free of violence and neglect. It is always hard in the beginning to make that initial move, but once you do, you will never look back. If you know your true value, then you’ll clearly know that allowing a man to slap you around, to beat you up, to scare you, to threaten you, is not acceptable. It makes it even worse when your children are subjected to seeing this too.
Be brave in life, and change it for the better. I wish you all the very best for the future.