I remember a stanza from the old Nigerian National anthem:
“Though tribe and tongue may differ, in brotherhood we stand”
This, for want of a better statement to describe the state of the relationships between the various tongues and tribes in our country, is still a big work in progress. Despite this, we find that a good number of our youths are marrying each other across the cultural and tribal divide.
How are these intertribal marriages faring? Marriage is no walk in a park even when the people involved are from the same town and culture. There is no gainsaying that when it is between two people from different cultural backgrounds, it is even more complex. However, with the entrance of love, we are prone to see the world from a rosier perspective.
We can nurture the idea of a very romantic, yet unrealistic expectation of what it would be like to marry the love of our life irrespective of our tribal or cultural differences.
Yes, these types of relationships can be quite fulfilling and life-changing, but they are not without their peculiar challenges. To be able to truly get along with someone who has been raised in a very different social system is a special learning curve, which you have to be mentally and emotionally prepared to navigate.
How do you make sure that you are on the right track to building a lasting relationship regardless of your differences?
- You have to let go of your traditional way of thinking.
- You have to be very conscious of your thought pattern with respect to your partner to avoid bias or negative opinion of his/her tribe coming between you two when you least expect it. This is a situation that will always come up between you so you have to always be on your guard against it. It is important to realise and always bear in mind that all cultures and ethnic groups have their own ideas of right and wrong, sometimes these views can be poles apart and constitute sources of friction in the relationship. It is very difficult to overcome influences from your upbringing, which have programmed you with preconceived ideas about certain cultures. So, unless you are actively on your guard to make sure your views and opinions do not influence your worldview, it will impact negatively on your relationship.
- Getting involved in a relationship with a person from another culture or tribe is a learning curve. You have to be attentive and observant of their ways so that you can learn and not misstep. You cannot go wrong with asking questions and seeking explanations when it comes to certain cultural practices that you do not understand. There is an Igbo adage that says, “A person who asks for direction does not miss getting to his destination”. So be willing and open to learning. Most of us are proud of our culture and heritage and are quite happy to educate and enlighten others about our unique customs and cultures when they show genuine interest to learn.
- Your romantic partner should be your primary teacher when it comes to learning about their ways and customs since is in his/her best interest to make sure that you are well grounded and do not misstep when you are with his/her relatives. It is also proper that you are respectful of your partner, their ways, culture and their beliefs.
- It cannot be overemphasized that you have to get well versed in the culture, customs and beliefs of the person you are romantically involved with. However, when you find that you are not comfortable with some aspects of their beliefs or culture, silence is not golden. Be sure to make your reservations now. Do not participate in any cultural practice you are not comfortable with all in the name of love. Be respectful, honest and firm. It is not the best move to be disdainful of the culture, beliefs and customs of other tribes or to ridicule their practices. You do not have to participate in anything you do not agree with, just let them know that you are not comfortable and you can leave and give them space to practice whatever beliefs they want to practice.
Remember, that even though a custom may seem weird or primitive to you, it’s important for you to be respectful of their ways and beliefs. Also, remember that many of your customs will seem weird or primitive to others. When it comes to customs, beliefs and cultures it is really different strokes for different folks and we must accord each one their due respect.
Whenever you are in a relationship with someone from another tribe and you want it to be a success, you have to be patient understanding and open-minded. You cannot be opinionated and biased. Put simply, you have to be liberal-minded and accommodating of different (and sometimes opposing) views and opinions.
So, if you must have a fair chance of success with your cross-cultural relationship you must put aside your biases and opinions of the tribe you are involved with and open to accommodate new beliefs and customs. You don’t have to change your own beliefs, just be willing to respect someone else’s beliefs, customs and opinions and acknowledge theirs are just as valid as yours.