Love & Sex: How to Fight Fair in Love

By Mimi Adebayo

Lacey said that when they were dating, her husband was easy going and gentle, he hardly raised his voice or even got angry, they never fought; they were like two peas in a pod. He totally ‘got’ her. However when they got married, they had their first fight one week after their honeymoon, it was not supposed to be a big deal and Lacey felt he blew it out of proportion, truly it was the first time she was seeing him so mad. She wondered where that sweet, easy going man she had married had disappeared to.

It would be disastrous to think that fighting or disagreements among couples make them incompatible. It would be stupid to expect your perfect partner to never disagree with you especially when he/she isn’t a puppet.

Fighting among couples isn’t bad, in fact it is advisable that while dating or during courtship, both parties should have fought more than once. Why? To decide how to handle conflicts.

No two people are alike and when you love someone, you care enough about them to argue with them about things that are important to you.

It isn’t throwing things, calling names, exchanging insults or hitting each other that is the best  approach to conflict management in relationships; it is communication and understanding that is most important.

The reason we fight most times is because our partner doesn’t see things our way and it matters so much to us that they do. And the truth is that no one can ALWAYS see things the way we do. It would be wrong to expect them to.

The problem with yelling and name calling is that we can never take back the words we’ve said instead we start a nuclear war. Words are the most powerful weapons to hurt loved ones and they’re the same things that determine whether your relationship would be happy or not. Communicate. Set down rules to follow while fighting. I know how difficult it is to stick to rules when you’re raving mad and boiling but it takes a lot of discipline and LOVE to do it.

There are some pointers as to how these rules could go;

• No one walks out on a fight: I know it can be fulfilling to rear back and storm out in an angry fit, just to drive your point home but also remember how it would feel to be on the receiving end of that act. If you are so mad and you feel the need to leave the scene, then ask the other person for permission. Weird right? Well, I learnt that from a thriving couple who have used that formula for years now which proves it isn’t exactly undoable.
• No name-calling or explosive words: Remember, words are nuclear and your relationship is sacred.
• No threats of break-ups/divorce: this is a no-no. Threats soon lose their potency especially when they’re just that, threats.
• No form of physical force or violence: Absolutely not. No slaps or blows from either party. A small shove can escalate into a fist fight or something worse
• Call a time-out: when one party feels the fight is going beyond repair, he/she is allowed to call a timeout and both parties can take a breather.

These are just pointers on how to handle conflict; the rest is up to the parties involved. If you intend to make a list, this could help. Both parties should reach a compromise on how to handle conflicts because the fights will come and we have to face them.