The weekend came and was quickly passed with different activities. But on both Saturday and Sunday, one topic didn’t go away- Parenting. Different views about what the ideal parenting is, being friends with one’s child, to spank or not to spank, so many other things between.
I love kids, I love the mushy-lovey-cooing that comes with cuddling them and begging for their candies while they vehemently refuse giving it out and all that sweetness of ‘carry-me’ but that’s where it ends for me. I can’t stand poor manners, outright rudeness and indiscipline associated with pampered parenting. Excuse me, I grew up under tough love.
The only ‘pet’ name dad had for mom was Margaret Thatcher. I had no idea who Margaret Thatcher was, but common sense told me if that name fitted mom, Margaret Thatcher was one tough woman. Mom had no room for vices, most actions had consequences – a kudos, deafening, heart pulsating silence, a cold stare, or outright punishment. When you were wrong and she chose not to punish you, you knew she didn’t approve of your manners, she had just shown mercy. These merciful cold stares registered well in your subconscious, you would not want that look in a long time to come.
The child can be in control of his behaviour and do as he pleases, but the parents are constantly meant to be in control of the home and determine consequences. That’s tough love. Child decides to hang out till late nights, parents decide to withhold privileges; simple. Power and boundaries aren’t shifted in tough love- throw tantrums all you like, my mom was never moved. She held on to power and would not shift grounds for any of us.
Defending a child’s nasty behaviour is detrimental to healthy upbringing. If he has erred, let him bear the consequences. Natural consequences are excellent teachers. Forgetting an assignment notebook at home consistently is most times because mom would drive by school to drop it, if mom had allowed a zero grade or other measures for once, the little one would remember the assignment before the favourite caprisone drink.
Skipping chores was not an option with my mom because the chores aren’t going anywhere if they had been filed under your name. No one else would do them for you, especially not her. She had a notorious saying that was popular with her – ‘omo alágbára ni ya òle’ (the children of the strong and hardworking end up lazy and weak). Her logic was, the parents get irritated when the child starts on the chore sluggishly and reluctantly, then the hard-working parents tell the child to back off, they show off their strength and get the job done. Not my mum, she being hardworking and strong was ready to be an exception – you do your chores no matter how long it took. QED.
Something about parents being children’s friends – It’s okay if it’s not confusing. I mean, does the little girl knows when mommy is serious? Can she take a cue from your body language? Would she able to recognize the stern in your voice and not say ‘mummy is joking’? If not, remember coaches are not necessarily players’ friends. Mom and I weren’t friends per se when growing up, but we are now. And I think I turned out well too.
The generation of our parents were harsh, some parents were brutal! I admit. But you turned out well, pick the principles that worked, dropped the brutality and administer some tough love, no one turns out well without it.
Photo-Credit: https://www.alphacovenant.com