Dorothy C. Anyiam-Osigwe
Dear Dorothy,
A few months ago, I travelled to the village to visit my parents for a few days leaving my husband and kids behind.
I came home a day earlier than planned hoping to surprise my husband and kids with an unexpected early return. To my surprise, I got home to find my husband in bed with our housemaid!
I sent the maid packing immediately. Dorothy, since the incident I have been very cold towards my husband. I am an emotional wreck; feeling so disappointed in my husband, bitter and let down. I resent him for what he has done.
I am even considering ending our marriage, even though I still love him, and I would not like our children to live apart from their father. I am so confused! Please advise on what steps to take.
My dear,
This is a delicate situation.
The agony and immense trauma of romantic betrayal is often difficult to deal with. Given the emotional toll it takes, can anyone truly get past an affair? Can trust ever be restored? Should it be?
But, believe me when I write that you will get over it. You will get over all of the feelings, but you may not be able to forget it.
Since you have got enough pull towards fighting for the relationship – you still love him, and you have the welfare of the children in mind, perhaps you should make the effort to regain some level of trust between the two of you.
Couples can rebuild a marriage or a committed relationship after an affair, but it takes work. Trust and forgiveness must be earned by the offender partner (in this case your husband) through bold, heartfelt, and meaningful acts. The hurt party (you) must also take a ‘fair share’ of responsibility for how you both created a state between the two of you that left room for someone else to come in between. You need to ask yourself if you have been truly there for your husband, if you have done your best to cater for his own wants, needs and desires. The person who had the affair shoulders most, if not all of the blame.
Recovery requires effort from both parties. Try to discuss this matter honestly with your husband. Let him know how badly he has hurt you. Find out the root cause or causes of his betrayal, and seek to address these issues. Most affairs stem from a lonely marriage, and some affairs are simply the result of seeking excitement outside of the marriage. Whatever the case, couples that want to stay together in the wake of an affair need to examine its cause.
It is important you convey to your husband that you need a meaningful apology. Just saying “I’m sorry” isn’t good enough. Also, a degree of transparency by the cheating party can help marriages recover. According to a survey of 1,083 individuals referenced in What Makes Love Lastby extramarital affairs expert Peggy Vaughan, it was found that when the betrayer answered questions about the affair, the relationship survived 86 percent of the time. If the betrayer refused to respond to questions, the survival rate dropped to 59 percent. The person who’s been adulterous has to be willing to answer any question that the offended party wants to ask. However, there must be a point reached when the offended party has to say to themselves: ‘OK, I will never bring this up again”. If this does not occur, the relationship can never be rebuilt.
Also, guard against gossip. It’s one thing to confide in a friend about your situation, it is another thing to disparage your spouse, and this will only tear you further apart, as it helps fuel the bitterness and resentment you feel.
You alone can make the ultimate decision regarding whether to stay or leave your husband. But, before throwing in the towel, make a genuine attempt to face up to the underlying causes of the affair. You may end up not just patching up your marriage, but having a deeper and stronger relationship with your husband.
Chief (Mrs.) Dorothy C. Anyiam-Osigwe OON is an Agony Columnist, Writer and Company Executive.
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