LAUGH QUOTE
Three rules to live by:
- Don’t shop when you are hungry.
- Don’t date when you are horny.
- Don’t update your status when you are drunk.
Unknown author
TEACHER AND STUDENT
Dear Math,
I’m sick and tired of trying to find your “x”. Just accept the fact that she’s gone. Move on, Dude.
DATING JOKE
TEXT HEART ACHE
Double heart attack text message by a girl to a boy:
Text number 1: Let’s break up now; it’s all over…
Text number 2: Sorry, sorry, sorry, that was not for you.
BUSINESS JOKE
The Dead Parrot
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,”I’m sorry, but Polly has passed away”. The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure? I mean, you haven’t done and testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot front top to bottom. He then looked at the vet, shook his head and barked. The vet fussed the dog, took it out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who jumped up and also sniffed the bird on the table. The cat sat back, shook its head and meowed. It then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry; but like I said, your parrot is dead.” He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, produced a bill and handed it to the woman. Still puzzled, the parrot’s owner took the bill and looked at it. “£150!” she cried. “Just to tell me my bird is dead?! That’s ridiculous!” The vet shrugged. “If you’d taken my word for it the bill would only have been £20, but… what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan…”
CUTTING COMMENT
“It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.”
MARRIED LIFE
30 YEARS YOUNGER
A couple had been married for 30 years and was celebrating the husband’s 60th birthday.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, “We’ve been so poor all these years, and I’ve never gotten to see the world.
I wish we could travel all over the world.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF!
She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn.
He paused for a moment, and then said, “Well, I’d like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.