LAUGH QUOTE
The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. – George Jessel
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
WISE GUYS ANSWER TO STUPID QUESTION
QUESTION: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
WISE GUY: at the bottom of the page.
TEACHER AND STUDENT
ALL ELEPHANTS
The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”. One boy says, “Elephant.”
Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.”
The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with “M”.
The boy shouts from the other side of the wall: “Maybe an elephant!”
DATING JOKE:
RIGHT AND WRONG
A protective father took his daughter’s first boyfriend to one side for a little chat.
FATHER: “I hope you’re going to treat my daughter properly, I want her to know the difference between right and wrong.”
BOYFRIEND: “I imagine you’ve brought her up to know what’s right, haven’t you?”
FATHER: “Yes, I have.”
BOYFIREND: “That’s fine. Well, do my best to take care of the other side.”
BUSINESS JOKE
Three kids argue, whose father is the fastest. One says: My father is the fastest, he can overtake the arrow that he shot with the arch.
The second one: My father is even faster – when he hunts, he can shoot an animal and run up to the animal before it falls down.
The third: You actually don’t understand what speed is. My father works in municipality. He finishes work at 4:30 pm, but he’s back home by 3:45 pm already.
MARRIED LIFE
Wife to her husband:
“I told you I’ll be back in five minutes, so why you are calling me every half an hour?”
CUTTING COMMENT
PARTS OF THE UNIVERSE
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.
FUNNY COURT TRANSCRIPT
This is from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.