LAUGH QUOTE
“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.” – Audrey Hepburn
TEACHER AND STUDENT
TEACHER: Ifeoma, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
IFEOMA: I is..
TEACHER: No, Ifeoma… Always say, ‘I am.’
IFEOMA: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
THAT’S NO MONKEY – THAT’S MY BABY
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
TILL CLOSING TIME
“Waitress,” shouted the impatient diner, “do I have to sit here all night and starve?”
“No, sir, we close at nine o’clock.”
PLEASE NO SECOND COMING.
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”
SPOILER DADDY
A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he’s a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he’d like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack. That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, “I had no idea you were this religious.” The boy turns and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”