LAUGH QUOTE
Always choose the oldest customs official. No chance of promotion. – W Somerset Maugham
Knock! Knock!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harry. Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
WISE GUYS ANSWER TO STUPID QUESTION
QUESTION: How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
WISE GUY: Into what?
TEACHER AND STUDENT
TEACHER: Why did you throw your watch out of the window Jimoh?
JIMOH: I wanted to see how time flies.
DATING JOKE
ENOUGH FOR ONE
Man is asking his girlfriend: Do you think my salary is enough for you?
Girlfriend: It is enough for me, but I am worried, how will you survive?
MARRIED LIFE
A little boy asked his father one day:
“Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
“I don’t know, son,” the father replied. “I’m still paying.”
CUTTING COMMENT
“Gee, you look marvelous! Did you have plastic surgery?”
BUSINESS JOKE
BRIGHT SPARK
A big company offered N100,000 for every money-saving idea submitted by employees. First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be reduced to N50,000.
USA TODAY
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.” Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.” Today, the word on the street is that Congress has stolen their shovel, taxed their asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land! One citizen was so depressed one night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc …. He called a Suicide Hotline. He got through to an answering machine: “ If you understand the English Language press 1” He pressed 1 for English and was connected to a call center in AFGANISTAN. He told them he was suicidal. They got excited and asked if he could drive a truck…… Folks, that’s USA today!
FUNNY COURT TRANSCRIPT
This is from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?