LAUGH QUOTE
“A good man doesn’t just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is like a lump, like a doughnut. So first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap they pick up from beer commercials. And then there’s my personal favourite…the male ego.” – Comedian Roseanne Barr
Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Doris!
Doris who?
Doris locked open it!
Wise guy’s answer to stupid question
QUESTION. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
WISE GUY: He wanted cold hard cash!
REFRESHED
His partner had his head down on the desk. “What’s wrong?” the lawyer asked solicitously.
“Oh-h-h,” groaned the other lawyer, “I was out late last night entertaining a guy who can throw a lot of business our way. I’ve got the absolutely worst of all hangovers.”
“I know how you feel. I’ve had some monsters myself.”
“How did you get rid of yours?”
The first lawyer grinned. “I grab my wife and make passionate love to her. In no time, my headache is gone. You ought to try it.”
“Ill try anything,” said the partner, reaching for his coat. “See you later.”
When he returned he was whistling a jaunty tune. “I see my remedy worked,” his colleague said.
“Like a charm,” replied the rejuvenated lawyer. “And, hey, that’s a really nice house you have.”
WORM MEDICINE
A man was trying to teach his teenage son the dangers inherent in the consumption of alcoholic beverages.
Buying a bottle of brandy and an earthworm he poured the alcohol on the earthworm.
After a little while the worm dissolved and he asked his son, “What lesson did you learn from this?”
The boy replied, “When we take alcohol, we won’t have worms.”
WHAT AN UNCLE!
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. ”What’s up?” he asks. ”I’m having a heart attack!” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet, and he’s got no clothes on!” He slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife. He rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the floor. ”You bastard,” says the husband. “My wife is having a heart attack, and you’re running around with no clothes on scaring the kids.”
TEACHER AND STUDENT.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay that only William was left.
“William, do you have a story to share?’
‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’
‘Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?’
‘Stay the f..k away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”