LAUGH QUOTE
If you only every read one book in your life, I strongly recommend ……. you keep your mouth shut. – Simon Munnery
KNOCK, KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Urine
Urine Who?
URINE! Let me in, we need to talk.
WISE GUY’S ANSWER TO STUPID QUESTION
QUESTION: How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
WISE GUY: Who cares? They never get the house anyway.
TEACHER AND STUDENT
TEACHER: “Tolani every day since school started you’ve been late. Why?
TOLANI: “It’s not my fault! There’s a sign at almost every crossing that says, ‘go slow’
DATING JOKE
Hollywood the land of Make Believe. Where the hills are made of “bull ….” Tell me, where else in the world can you go on a blind date and end up with your wife?
BUSINESS JOKE
FAST GUY
Personnel Manageress: ‘’I know we are looking for a man with initiative, but making a pass at me within five minutes of this interview is not the sort of initiative we are looking for”
MARRIED LIFE
One evening woman was undressing in from of her husband when asked: What turns you on more, my sexy body or my beautiful face?
The husband looked at his wife from head to toe and answered:
Your sense of humor, my darling.
CUTTING COMMENT
Some people’s x-rays are better than their photos.
MINE’S MORE ….
A guy in a Kia pulls up next to a Rolls Royce at a red light and asks, “Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?” The Rolls owner nods.
“So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?” The Rolls owner nods again. “Me too. What about a double bed?”
“No. Do you?” asks the Rolls guy.
“Yep.” The light turns, and the Kia takes off. Jealous, the Rolls guy heads to the Pimp My Rolls customizing shop and gets a double bet put in, then drives around until he finds the Kia parked on the side of the road. He raps on the window. “Guess what. I got a double bet put in my car too.”
The Kia owner peers out. “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?”
JUST BITCHING
Two women chatting over coffee;
1st woman: “Party to so, it didn’t work out between you and John”.
2nd woman: “We were quite incompatible. I am Gemini and he’s a son-of-a-bitch!”
YOU’VE GOT TO HEAR THIS.
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: “Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.”
Father: “When was the last time you made a confession?”
Man: “I never have, I am Jewish.”
Father: “Then why are you telling me all this?”
Man: “I’m telling everybody!”