HOLY HUMOUR
BRANDING
Frank Perdue is granted a private audience with the Pope.
“Your Holiness,” he says, “I’ve heard that the church has suffered some real financial reversals, so I’m here with a proposal that can benefit both of us. I’m prepared to donate a hundred million dollars to the church, provided you make one small change in the Lord’s prayer. Where it says, ‘Give us this day, our daily bread.’ Well, I’d like you to consider changing just the end of the line to, ‘Give us this day our daily chicken.'”
The Pope is taken aback.
“That’s a most unusual request,” he says, “but certainly a substantial kindness that you’re offering the church. Let me discuss your offer with the College of Cardinals, and I’ll be back in touch with you in a few days.”
When Perdue leaves the Pope convenes an emergency meeting of the Cardinals.
“Boys,” he says, “I think we’re going to have to review the Wonder Bread account.”
LORD COME TO MY AID
Dear Heavenly Father,
So far, today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped or lost my temper. I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, or self centered. I’m really happy about that so far. But in a few minutes I’m going to be getting out of bed and then I’m going to need a lot of help. Thank you! Amen
100 POINTS
A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”
“Okay” the man says, “I attended church every Sunday”
“That’s good, says St. Peter, ” that’s worth two points”
“Two points?” he says. “Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church”
“Well, let’s see,” answers Peter, “that’s worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?”
“Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”
“Fantastic, that’s certainly worth a point, ” he says.
“hmmm…,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”
“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”
“THREE POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!”
“Come on in!”
THE SUNDAY JOKE
FESTIVE SQUIRRELS
A small town had four churches Presbyterian, Methodist, Catholic and Baptist.
All four had a serious problem with squirrels in the church. Each church in its own fashion had a meeting to deal with the problem.
The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.
The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church.
The Catholics also humanely trapped them and attempted to teach them the “rhythm” method, which of course did not work.
The Baptists had the best solution. They voted the squirrels in as members Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.