HOLY HUMOUR
REFUND
A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asked him, “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
The lawyer said, “Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
SHOW RESTRAINT
A Sunday school teacher was teaching the Ten Commandments to her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
One little boy shouted, “Thou shall not kill.”
LIKE FOREVER
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a terminal illness and only a year to live.
So he decided to talk to his pastor.
After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
“What you should do is go out and buy a late ’70’s Peugeot Pickup,” said the Pastor.
“Then go get married to the meanest, ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old house trailer and go live by the edge of the Sahara desert.”
The fellow asked, “Will this help me live longer?”
“No,” said the pastor, “but it will make what time you do have seem like forever.”
THE SUNDAY JOKE
THE PEACE AND MERCY OF GOD
A man says to the minister after the service, “Your sermon today reminded me of the peace and mercy of God.”
The minister was quite flattered and asked the man to explain further.
He replied, “It passed all understanding, and it endured forever.”