You cannot just wing parenting. And, yes, toxic parenting is a thing and a major problem in our country.
When it comes to parenting, not many acknowledge the importance of prior learning. Often, you hear statements like, “don’t worry your instincts will tell you what to do” “you’ll be a great father or mother.” But, in doing so they fail to recognize that parenting requires a high level of knowledge and emotional intelligence.
The major societal problems we face today are largely a result of toxic parenting, the mindset that parents don’t require any form of orientation in a society like ours should be of great concern.
If as humans we require training to succeed in various aspects of our lives, why not parenting? It may be overkill to institutionalize parenting skill acquisition and offer a certificate of successful completion to intending parents, but it wouldn’t hurt to engage in emotional and mental counselling – similar to the marriage counselling arranged by the church – prior to the arrival of the child.
If we are to see a slowdown in the continued deterioration of social behaviour especially with depression and suicide among teenagers, such actions have to be considered.
In a society like Nigeria for instance, it is a common thing to see parents comparing their children to their peers who seem to be more successful, as a way to motivate them. Unfortunately, this outdated form of moral support doesn’t work. It never has, and never will.
Recently, a twitter thread highlighted this point as part of a toxic parenting trick that should be discarded.
What is a toxic parenting style that you are leaving with your parents?? I’ll start.
I will NEVER compare my children to other people’s kids. Ever.
— Ric Flairchukwu (@AOBIJR_) 5 January 2019
I read a post on twitter recently about how the mood of a mother affects the whole house and this reminded me of my childhood;
I grew up in a traditional Catholic family. My parents wanted only two children but their search for a male child extended that dream to eight kids. My dad, a typical southeasterner, wanted a male child to carry the family name into future generations. After several attempts, I was born the 8th child and only boy. This position came with lots of benefits; however, I recall many instances I wished I had an older brother who I could look up to because synonymous to a large family was conflict; a ton of it.
I began observing at an early age my mother’s tendency to transfer aggression whenever she was upset about something. It didn’t matter who accomplished their task in the house if one person failed, everyone paid dearly. I saw my sisters cry often as a result of her aggression and looking back now I can see how that behaviour affected their relationship.
My parents also managed to alienate me from the rest of my siblings. I was their precious, untouchable male child and this made my sisters resent me. They had no voice and no one cared much to listen to their concerns however valid.
Just like my family, there are families out there where the rights of the children for self-expression are continually denied. This is such a delicate issue especially when their opinions are not taken into consideration by parents and is considered insolent behaviour when they try to voice them.
I will NEVER interrupt my children when they are trying to explain what happened in a situation. All that screaming and saying “I don’t care” only makes kids not want to express themselves and open up.
— Melly ?? (@MelvinRoy20) 6 January 2019
Some parents find it difficult to apologize to their kids whenever they are wrong, leaving a bad example for the children.
Not apologising to my kids when I am very clearly in the wrong or do/say something that hurts their feelings.
— K. S. J. (@ksjxxviii) 6 January 2019
A few of these behaviours not only affect the mental health of children especially teenagers but it also limits the level of trust a child has in communicating his/her opinion free from the fear of being judged and condemned. Unfortunately, these children eventually grow into adults who live with suppressed emotions.
We may be unable to change how we were treated by our parents, but we can change how we treat our kids.