Unsurprisingly in the last month, I’ve gotten wind of at least 8 wedding hitches by friends of friends. In our country, marriage is a cultural mainstay woven into the fabric of its existence. Let me undress this: the extinction of marriage will pose an immediate threat to the existence of our culture which springboards from the ideology of family. Though for the religious populace (which is most of us, if I may add), marriage is and has always been a spiritual construct ordained by God. This in itself is enough reason to willingly participate, right?
And, nothing God creates can be mismanaged by humans, right?
Growing up, I witnessed the ugly faces of dysfunctional marriages – where in most cases, the woman was at the disadvantageous end, and I made a hasty decision never to get married. I was only 13. The intervention of my mom’s shaking – thanks to her staunch belief in the power of the tongue – caused me to rescind my declaration of a life of singleness. But, why was she so affected by the idea of my remaining single?
It’s the programming, unfortunately.
The orthodox outline for a fulfilled female life takes this hierarchal form: Primary School, Secondary School, University, Marriage, and others. Woe unto us if we desire an in-between; our biological clock is the bane of our existence.
I recently had a casual chat with a childhood friend who is a medical doctor. And, out of friendly concern, he nudged me to get married soon because every month I lose a viable egg that should have been a baby. (Laughing in the number of eggs lost.)
Isn’t the overused excuse of ‘biological clock’ a faulty reason to jump into a lifelong commitment?
Let’s look at the facts: with a population of over 190 million, 20 – 25 per cent of local couples are childless. This number increases when we take into consideration the unmarried. Yet, we deceptively toss ‘biological clock’ around to further aid the social pressure of getting married.
Another fact: Not all women want children. Gasp. Popular show host, Jeannie Mai recently went through a divorce from a man who hoped her maternal instinct was just a late bloomer – she’s 39 years old and still averts to having kids. Okay, let’s leave these oyibo people for a second; two years ago, I found myself in the comment section of a popular Nigerian blog-site and I was beyond surprised at the number of anonymous married and unmarried women who divulged their feelings of not wanting kids… at all. Abomination?
But, marriage is the piece that completes us. It’s our end goal, right?
At the Glamour 2017 Women of the Year Summit, Tracie Ellie Ross opened her eleven minutes long speech by sharing the snide comments she’s had to face for being in her 40’s and unmarried, despite her successes.
“It’s really interesting to be a woman and to get to 45 and not be married and not have kids, especially, when you have just pushed out your fifth kid on TV. You start hearing crazy shit like: “Oh, you just haven’t found the right guy yet,” “What are you going to DO?” “Oh, you poor thing,” “why is someone like you still single,” “have you ever thought of having kids?” “Why don’t you just have a kid on your own?”
“I grew up planning a wedding. My dress was going to be corseted with multiple antique Victorian camisoles spilling off my shoulders and I would change into a white double-breasted suit, wide leg trouser (with an exaggerated cuff) for the reception. I dreamed about being chosen by a powerful, sexy, kind man who had full lips and gave good hugs and having a baby boy named Lauren.
But…I also dreamed of winning an Oscar and being on the cover of magazines and making a difference in the world, helping women find our voices. And from that dreaming, I have built an incredible life. I have become a woman that I am proud to be.”
In another episode of The Expectations of Womanhood, society clearly favours being married over personal achievements.
I can’t, for the life of me, recall how often I get asked the questions: “So, how far have you gone in your career.” “What do you do now?” “Can I assist you with a solution to the challenges you currently face in your career?” as opposed to “When are you getting married?” “Let me introduce you to a friend of mine; he’s good looking and rich.” (Sidenote: I don’t mind a rich and good looking husband oh, please. But, you get my point sha.)
Society has set a dangerous precedent that a woman can’t be successful, happy and unmarried. Further plunging young women into the abysmal believe that they are incomplete. Unfortunately, this mindset opens them to exploitive men with faux spiritual prowess. (Gist for another day.)
They’d rather be married or die.
Little do they know that marriage is not for completeness, neither does it guarantee happiness. But, how would I know… perhaps I’m just the Grinch of married ever after.