Women have babies for different reasons; some to cuddle and raise, some to show off their fertility like badges – “I have 4 boys and 2 beautiful girls”, some because the society can behold them with honour- “You are now complete as a woman”, some because they can’t think of a reason not to have a baby- “everybody has a baby, so must I”. Some want babies for a noisy house; yes, a babe told me she enjoys the shrieking noise of babies and the chit-chat of teenagers, she wants a house full of one. Some want babies so their husbands can love them; to these set of people I write today.
Babies or children in a loveless marriage most times do not change the equation; unfeeling husband + unwanted wife x babies = loveless marriage. It’s a proven old theory, remember Leah? Rachel’s sister? Old Bible story? Yeah! She was given out in marriage to a guy who cared less about her, she was fertile and made babies, the equation still didn’t change. She tried hard and hard, and convinced herself that maybe more sons would bring her the passion and love she wanted from the man of the house, she had the first one and said “It is because God has seen my misery, surely my husband will love me now”, dude still didn’t love her. Second son, same story, third son, ” Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him 3 sons” ….. it didn’t work even after six sons , the man had eyes only for the younger Rachel.
If he doesn’t love you before the kids, he may not love you when you become his baby mama, you can be his wife, share his name and not be more than the mother of his kids and yet he’ll sleep with you out of duty or happiness (once in a while) while someone or something else has his devotion. I know men who are very good fathers but wife can’t say she’s got a great husband.
Having 4,5,6, 7,8 kids with a man who doesn’t love you in a bid to ‘win’ his love is an exercise that ends in frustration. More children doesn’t translate into getting loved, it means you’ve got more work to do, more sleepless nights, more tears to wipe, it means he gets more bills to pay if he cares, and if he bolts, you’ve only added to your woes.
Pregnancy or childbearing may not be a fix for emotional troubles and emptiness in a relationship. It may mean a smiling baby between two unhappy parents. Hearing stories like ‘my husband is intolerant because I’m yet to conceive “, “please, pray for me, I want a baby so my husband can be happy with me” pushes my buttons. Anyone can desire to be a mother or father, but no one should be judged by the status of their womb or sperms. He should only be unhappy with you if you have been terminating the process, but if not…everybody tries to conceive and when it works is when we say ‘We are Pregnant’…no one is directly responsible for its working.
Have babies on your terms, for whoever would love you first and then your baby except you don’t mind being his baby-making machine where the machine gets serviced once in a while and the product is more cherished.