In the beginning the joy of being a parent is far greater than the hurdles of parenting. This joy is so much that you can barely think of any other thing than the cuddling, the kisses and smiles. (We don’t even see the crawl always, run always and I can’t take your call. Read on and will you understand) At this point everything is different. You are lost in the moment and all that matters is that moment. You even become almost non-existent, everything and every focus is on the fact that there a little creature constantly needing you and you are joyous that that is the case.
I remember in the early days of my first child I would so much want to hold the child that even when he is sleeping, I would be counting minutes for a cry or just for him to wake up, at the slightest sound I am ready to have the baby back in my arms just to hold and cuddle and kiss his soft cheeks. Most times I would rock the poor child back to being awake when am sure all he wanted to do was just sleep. Those moments were peace itself, I would speak to him, softly patting his cheeks and whispering various words that with benefit of hindsight makes a very bad conversation. You know stuff like, ” look at my little bobo, who is my prince, my pumpkin, my kuchi kuchi...there were loads of those.
Years down the line I notice the urge is not so strong anymore, I started counting minutes to put him to sleep, being in hurry to get him settled in so I can get on with the one thousand and one all of a sudden very important things to do. I became aware of how tiring it’s beginning to be to always have him up my shoulders or on my back.
I started feeling like the world is on me and I needed to put him safely on one side to face the world of housekeeping and wifely duties. It seemed like my escape was over.
It now became that this my Bubu, is also part of this world, that his needs are more now because he no longer lived in my arms, his room and the entire house has become his space to do as he wishes even if it meant my bending to pick and gather as many times as he is in charge of that moment.
It became visible that work has indeed started. Oh how I wish we could go back to the beginning but alas that’s not how it is intended. Growth must occur and with each growth a new world emerges. New joys, new challenges, different kinds of emotions arrive. Sometimes you go from laughing to crying and crying to laughing. Most times murmuring to yourself and often collapsing on a chair with the last piece of toy in your hand, grateful for the chair being in the corner. The sighs become more than the smiles. At this point its no longer about your feelings, about your wants but how to now be a protector, a guide and guard over this creature whom you have poured all of you into, all of your life and make up. Now I understand what is a DNA, this creature who has been weaved from the very fiber of you, in God’s hand you were the clay that HE moulded this creature from, you became the provider of a rib, you became God’s partner and a procreator, that is why God does not take it lightly when we fail to raise HIM as responsible citizen of the society – good men and women.
My take.
In the exact words of my friend whom I shared some thoughts I felt were weird and when he gave his own thoughts I felt relived that oh well other parents are thinking same too.
“After a child is born, they learn to turn towards the breast. Next they learn to roll on the bed, but instead they roll away from you. They learn to crawl but crawl away from you and even faster every day. Then they learn to walk and once perfected the walk is faster and turns to running away from you. Outside or at stores, wherever, one second, you are searching for them. Visiting friends or family they can’t wait to leave your side to go play or explore rooms. In fact the games of hide and seek to perfect gateways from you… and so on in life till they avoid your calls at school or party, detest you coming around when with friends, giving you timed visits when married etc. Wait a minute where are your parents, I don’t see them around you anymore”
Writing this article took me to very pleasant places and also to some very humanly unpleasant truths that left me exhausted and yet more determined to do my Job because for me too God gave an injunction and a reward for them which has become a kind of obligation which I take very seriously, to make sure they are not cut off from this heavenly reward. I see it as my duty to do the ground work for them to earn this blessing because come to think of it, if my inputs are contrary to what will lead to getting this reward how then can I remind them to honor me so…am sure you understand right?
Through the passing years, I am more driven to bring up my children in ways that will earn that promise, its a battle and still is. Many days of tears, tough decisions (tough love) that almost leaves you thinking if you are too hard on them or are you just being a parent? Exodus 20:12 “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you” flashes through my mind and that becomes my strength to do more of parenting because I must raise children who will honor me and not dishonour me to the Glory of God. Besides it is in my best interest to obey God without even thinking twice when in
Proverb 13:24 “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.”
That child of mine who inspired this write up is a teenager now and it’s a constant battle to put him right. One sentence he often finishes for me when I start is – “Son, am not your friend, I am your parent.” With smile I know the work to be done is still plenty but we are doing our best to do a good job of it. Never get tired to put your children right, no matter how smart they think they are. You are smarter. After all you gave birth to them and not the other way round.
OK folks it’s been an emotional ride. Till I write again, I love you for reading.
Ada.
Adaobi O. Alex-Oni is an Honorary Ambassador and a recipient of the Nelson Mandela Leadership Award by the African Youth Parliament. A broadcaster and writer, she is the convener of the ROWEAD conference. A social and women’s rights activist, she is a promoter of the United Nations Sustainable Development Goals. For more information, visit her website www.rowead.org when she is not writing, she is working at The Pancake Hub, Jibowu Lagos.