Dear Aunt Dorothy,
I am a young woman in my twenties and I have tribal marks on my face. Growing up, I did not think much about them because many children around me had them too. But now, things feel different.
Whenever I step into certain spaces, especially professional settings or social gatherings, I become painfully aware of my face. People stare. Some ask insensitive questions. A few have even laughed or whispered. I find myself avoiding photographs and positioning my face in ways that make the marks less visible. Sometimes I wish I could hide my face completely.
I feel ashamed for feeling ashamed. These marks are part of my heritage, yet I struggle to embrace them. I am torn between honouring my roots and wanting to blend into a modern world that seems to judge what it does not understand.
How do I stop feeling like this? How do I learn to accept myself?
Regards,
Tinuke
Dear Tinuke,
Thank you for writing so honestly. What you are feeling is more common than you may realise, and it does not make you disloyal to your culture or ungrateful for your heritage.
Tribal marks carry deep cultural significance in many communities across Nigeria and parts of West Africa. Historically, they were symbols of identity, beauty, lineage, protection and belonging. In a time before formal records, they told a story about who you were and where you came from. However, society evolves. What was once a badge of pride can, in a different era, become misunderstood or unfairly judged.
The discomfort you feel is not truly about the marks themselves. It is about the reactions of others. Stares and insensitive comments can chip away at anyone’s confidence. Over time, you may begin to see yourself through their narrow lens rather than your own.
It may help to gently shift the narrative in your mind. Instead of asking, Why do I look like this, try asking, Why are people uncomfortable with differences. Your face is not the problem. Ignorance and prejudice are.
That said, acceptance is a journey. It does not happen overnight. You might begin with small steps. Practise looking at yourself in the mirror and speaking kindly to your reflection. Take photographs for yourself, not for social media. Surround yourself with people who see you fully and do not reduce you to a facial feature.
If someone asks about your marks, you are not obligated to educate them, but if you choose to, you can respond with calm confidence. Sometimes, people mirror the energy you project. Other times, they will not. In those cases, remember that their reaction says more about them than it does about you.
You are allowed to wrestle with complicated feelings about your appearance. You are allowed to wish things were easier. But you are also allowed to exist exactly as you are, without hiding.
Your face tells a story that began long before you were born. It carries history, survival and identity. There is strength in that, even if it does not always feel like it.
Be patient with yourself. Self-acceptance is not a destination. It is a daily practice.
With warmth,
Dorothy