Dear Dorothy,
I hope you don’t mind me writing in, but I’m in a bit of a muddle. I’m in my late twenties and currently single. While I do go on the odd date and I’ve got male friends, I’ve always felt uneasy about allowing men to visit me at home.
It’s not that I don’t trust them per see, more that I feel exposed or somehow vulnerable when they enter my personal space. I worry they might get the wrong idea or that I’ll feel pressured into hosting in a way that makes me uncomfortable.
Even when it’s just a platonic visit, something doesn’t sit right with me. Friends and even my mum say I’m being overly cautious or ‘too proper’, but it doesn’t feel natural to me.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I being uptight? Or is it OK to just prefer my space to myself?
Warmly,
Oyin
Dear Oyin,
Thank you for your honest and heartfelt letter. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being protective of your space. It shows that you know yourself and your boundaries well, which is no bad thing in a world that often pushes us to accommodate others at the expense of our comfort.
Your home is your sanctuary, not a social free-for-all. You’re under no obligation to invite anyone over — male, female or otherwise — unless you want to. It’s perfectly fine to draw a line around your personal space and say, “This is just for me.”
The discomfort you feel isn’t something to ignore or brush aside. Sometimes, it’s our instincts giving us a little nudge that something doesn’t feel quite right, even if nothing “bad” has happened. You don’t owe anyone access to your space just to prove that you’re laid-back or modern.
Being cautious doesn’t make you rigid or uptight, it makes you human. And as for being ‘too proper’? That’s just code for not doing what others expect. Your values, your rhythm, your rules.
If and when you ever do feel ready to welcome a man into your space, let it be on your terms, not out of pressure, politeness or someone else’s timetable. Until then, embrace your right to curate your space just the way you like it.
With warm regards and a standing ovation for your self-awareness,
Dorothy