Dear Dorothy,
I have been married for five years now and my husband and I work. However, I earn more than him and this has become a problem because he leaves me to run all the household expenses, even the payment of school fees for our kids. He does not do anything for us although he fully supports his siblings and his extended family.
Dorothy, I don’t think his attitude is fair and I am starting to feel very resentful towards him. I do love him but I don’t want to feel that I am being used.
In my books, marriage is a partnership.
Please advice.
My Dear,
Money issues can be very problematic in a marriage. This is the reason why couples are best advised to be open to discussing money matters and being honest and open as to how they meet joint financial responsibilities. This is more so when both couples are working.
Education and new societal norms continue to redefine traditional gender roles. In the past, it was the man who was expected to be the breadwinner. These days, the cost of living, among other factors, has pushed most families to adopt dual-income earning just to make ends meet.
With this new reality where partners both have to earn a living, there is a need for the partners to agree on how the family’s financial obligations are met. No one partner should be overburdened by financial obligation in the home especially when the other is in a position to help.
Marriage is about compromise and accommodating one another. There is no proper guideline on what is the best way to deal with financial issues in a marriage. What works for one marriage may not work for the other. One thing, though, is that couples are guided by fairness and equity, with neither couple trying to gain the upper hand.
A rampant problem is that many women are of the opinion that the man should be responsible for all matters relating to finances in the family and that their own income is theirs to do with as they deem fit. However, as stated earlier, modern living and the high cost of living dictates that both couples should chip in to see that family finances run smoothly and that there are no problems.
Another thing to consider is that men, when they earn less than their wives, may tend to feel insecure and his actions may be as a result of this. Has your attitude, or something you have said, made him feel insecure enough to abandon family finances to you? What have you done to reassure him that despite earning more than him, he is still the head of the family?
Ego is often the biggest driver of a man’s actions. When their ego is threatened, they tend to react irrationally, sometimes. To sort out this problem, you may need to engage him in a candid discussion where you both review the situation. Discuss your earnings, get his perspective on every element of your lives and share yours as well. Take time to see what you can do to make him take charge as head of the family and contribute his quota as far as family finances are concerned. Make him understand that your job complements his effort and that you value his support.
This will reassure him of your appreciation of his support and that you are keen to support him and not take over his position because of the fact that you earn more. Good luck.