Dear Dorothy,
I met a man recently and I think I have fallen in love with him.
The problem is that the man in question seems to have an idea of the type of woman he wants me to be, which is not who I am. Do I make the effort to try to be the kind of person he wants me to be, or do I be myself and hope he gets round to accepting me for who I am?
My dear,
Sometimes when we think we are in love, we consciously or unconsciously try to change into whom we think our partner will like us to be. And, conversely we sometimes get into the elusive quest to change our partner into the person we want them to be. In both instances, we are not doing the right thing.
Here are a few things you should consider:
What are you looking for in a relationship? This is an important question to ask yourself before you get deeply involved in any relationship. Love and companionship is often cited as the reason for being in a relationship – we all want to be loved. However the question you should ask yourself is: what is my definition of a loving relationship?
With a loving relationship thus defined, another question to ask: does my partners idea or understanding of love and companionship fit your own?
There are various stages to a relationship. Boy meets girl, boy and girl are attracted to one another, they both start to date and begin to know one another. At this stage there are some ground rules to observe to ensure that you stay true to yourself:
Do not pretend to be who you are not to your partner in order to “impress” him or her. If you go this route and your partner is convinced and likes what he or she sees, you will put yourself under constant pressure to keep up or live up to the pretense so as not to loose your partner.
How a relationship starts usually determines how that relationship will pan out. If the foundation of a relationship is based on falsehood, then it is doomed from the start. So it is important that any relationship right from the get go should be based on trust, honesty and the parties should be their true selves from the beginning and not try live up to the perceptions of the other party.
It pays in the long run to avoid pretenses and just be you. And as your relationship progresses and you develop trust with one another, let your partner understand your weaknesses – you do not need to be constantly perfect so he or she would love you.
When a relationship is in its infancy, it is best for both parties to set the ground rules for their relationship. And it is important this is not based on hearsay from friends about their experiences with your partner. Make up your minds about each other for yourselves.
Never assume that been in a relationship makes you a changed person, you remain the one person you are – except your lifestyle changes, you begin to have less of an ‘individual’ perspective of things and decisions.
If you change who you really are because of what your partner wants you to be or what you think he or she wants you to be, you may end up being unhappy with the “new” you as the fact is that this makeover is not your true personality. Not being your true self kills the creativity in you, frustrates you and damages your true worth and essence – and in the long run, your relationship.